is this any good?

A SEA SHELL

[b][i]Toes wiggle in the sand as the tide slowly recedes out to sea

A SEA SHELL washed ashore wondering where it use to be

The sun falling below the sea decreases an illuminated sky

The moon appearing overhead seemingly as if always close by

Stars twinkle planets shine sattelites though unseen whiz by

The tide comes in once again taking  A SEA SHELL out to sea

Toes still wiggle pondering the amazement of earth's mystery



 (this is one of many songs-well, they are not songs as of yet as there is no music set to them- but potential songs i have  written lyrics for. So what do you think? It's one of my rather, lets say 'softer' ones, as my other titles are things like "evil motherfucker"  "the misfit with an outfit"  "technology of sin"  "daryll the derelict"  "nine day run"  "true lies"  "idiocy"  "abattoir"  "too many motherfuckers are in my way"  "finality")

So what's the point in all this- hell I'm just bored tonight![/i][/b]

Isn't it to short for a song? For me, it sounds more like Japanese poetry (if understand me).

ok then how is this

[b][i]THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN

The modern world has advanced THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
Taking with it younger souls as heaven struggles to win
Seedy lifestyles are now only a few clicks away
As Satan spends more time online finding souls astray


(chorus)
THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
the battle forever lost
THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
will be worth every cost
THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
once depravity now quite tame
THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
Jesus just lost this game
THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
today what do they sell
THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN
paving my way to hell

A search for 'pornography' offered up 4.6 million sites
Many of which are visited by the religious right
Typing in 'Christianity' yielded only 3.4 million hits
Proof positive THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN over Jesus favors tits

(repeat chorus)[/i][/b]

Well, this is interesting! It's a bit rough and controversial.... but I like the idea of it. The first part before chorus is very good (I think). But there's a doubt about that numbers in the song. On my opinion it would be better to change a couple of lines in the end- and you will get a great result. Keep sending more:)

great, but you repeat so much [b]THE TECHNOLOGY OF SIN!
[/b]

The final verse of technology of sin is awesome.

I really like Seashell!  Very gentle, peaceful, whimsickle even.  (And I don't know how to spell whimsickle, hope you know what I mean!)  It's beautiful. 
And Technology made me smile.  :)

Sorry, I'm a pagan and the whole satan and sin thing is a Christian trip.

I liked Technology Of Sin better, the lyrics are quite in-your-face. But like already stated, you probably need to add another paragraph to give it a proper lenght for a song.

i don't understand the logic in that- not the being a pagan thing- the idea that just because you dont believe in something means that it has no meaning to you- i mean i myself am an athiest, but the percentage of people on the planet who are believers is overwhelming, and i am interested in people and the world at large, so the words dont have to be directly related to you or anyone viewing them, but they could be if one wanted, but if there is no personal connection to whats said, that doesnt mean that one cant understand its meaning in relation to those that do believe in the "whole satan and sin thing". it would be a rather boring life if one only ever read or showed interest in something that they themself have to be personally in line with. i have a Bachelor's Degree in History, and i am very well read on Nazi Germany- but believe me, i am no Nazi admirer- but if i would have said to myself- well that "holocaust" thing is a whole Nazi trip, so i wont even bother reading it because "that whole facism thing is a Nazi trip". Now i know you and others are probably going to think 'wow, this guy is going on and on about one tiny post about not commenting on his song'- and you are all right, i do have a tendency to get rather long winded or over-analyzing. so on that note, before i go into a long diatribe about the reasons for the over-analyzing, i'll be off now...... [QUOTE]

[b]cacatua wrote: [/b]

Sorry, I'm a pagan and the whole satan and sin thing is a Christian trip.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]

[b]dragon-fly wrote: [/b]

Well, this is interesting! It's a bit rough and controversial.... but I like the idea of it. The first part before chorus is very good (I think). But there's a doubt about that numbers in the song. On my opinion it would be better to change a couple of lines in the end- and you will get a great result. Keep sending more:)[/QUOTE]
many thanks for the constructive suggestions and encouraging words. you ended above qoute with something about "sending more"- so here are some titles with a few lines included for each one-- anyone can feel free to let me know which one they might think i should post the full words to..take care

ABATTOIR ( it's a french word meaning "slauterhouse")

The world is an ABATTOIR, as calls to arms still sound
Endless bodies in motion, waging wars all around
All the while the dead walking wounded abound
As a deluge of blood and tears soak into the ground...................

AMERICAN TERRORISTS  (this comments on how my countries politicians are
                                               going on and on about terror, but more of a focus, 
                                               or as much, should be made curbing the number
                                               of filth in this country who rob, rape, and murder)

Same old story, trying to save the world from horror
While each and every day our poor are getting poorer
Policing the globe with 100 Billion in foreign aid
While crime filth waste, here it's 100 percent American made.......

......They dont know Allah or wear white robes and a turban
It's not God or symbolic clothes that they're concerned in
They're not hijackers, snipers, or even suicide bombers
They're homegrown killrs, and on our streets they wander..............

more later...

Well, here's my commentary:).
Both of them has an interesting streak. I see that your style in general has controversial direction. Something like Rage Against The Machine. That's not bad, but don't overdo it:).  Actually I wonder how finish both of them. Can you post the first one (Abattoir) entirely? It's difficult to estimate the pieces.

[QUOTE]

[b]dragon-fly wrote: [/b]

Well, here's my commentary:).
Both of them has an interesting streak. I see that your style in general has controversial direction. Something like Rage Against The Machine. That's not bad, but don't overdo it:).  Actually I wonder how finish both of them. Can you post the first one (Abattoir) entirely? It's difficult to estimate the pieces.[/QUOTE]
the other verses to ABATTOIR besides the one already posted:


The world is an ABATTOIR, self preservation a hard sell
A destiny, inevitable fate, our purpose some will tell
Any and all of our intentions paving the way to hell
In need of more power, coin, land, and oil, they yell

The world is an ABATTOIR, competition a deadly game
With wild animals we can, but ourselves we can't tame
To each other we inflict , rape, murder, and maim
Winners or losers nonetheless our blood runs the same

and the chorus to ABATTOIR:

The world is an ABATTOIR and you are the game
Don't just sit there and wonder who's to blame
Stand up, speak up, or your life they will claim
Your love into hate and your flesh into flame

Yeah! Now I like it! Well done.
About the rhyme- I hope it's not going to be a rap song:)