random thread of randomness

[QUOTE] [b]ParisNair wrote:[/b]
Mind you, I am happily married and all...so these thoughts are making me mightly uncomfortable. Any other married/commited folks ever been in such situation?[/QUOTE]

Twice in 25 or 30 years I've felt pulled somewhere else while in an exclusive relationship, but both times it was symptomatic of some pretty deep unhappiness and both times the feelings were just one more indicator that I needed to make changes, which I did in both cases, followed by extended periods of reflective singleness. So that's entirely different from managing these feelings within an intact marriage. All that to say you may want to take my thoughts with a grain of salt. :)

The ever gathering reality in any long term commitment is that things are given up for the securities and benefits and dependable love it ideally provides. Sometimes you hardly notice you've given anything up and sometimes you are acutely aware. In particular the months following the birth of a first baby are profoundly transformative. There seems to me to be a cultural sensitivity for the mother's experience that can at times come at the expense of the father's. It can be a time when a new dad feels pushed aside as a husband and sometimes even as a father and it can go unaddressed for a long time. No idea if that's even remotely relevant to your situation, but it's worth bearing in mind that it is a tremendous period of adjustment that requires both husband and wife to not lose sight of each other in the transition.

The last thing I'd say is that your feelings of discomfort are fragile. Give them attention and treat them with the utmost care because we humans have a remarkable capacity to rationalize just about any behaviour or decision, usually by degrees and mostly uncritically. This won't be the last time you will feel this way but it will be the first time you decide how to handle it and a precedent is a powerful thing. Within a generally happy relationship in it's most simplistic sense it's perhaps about requiring something of ourselves and a question of who we want to be as men and women, as fathers and mothers, as husbands and as wives.

Good luck with it in any case. Hopefully the situation passes and leaves you still happy but with experience gained. :)

[QUOTE] [b]ParisNair wrote:[/b]

I am married and became a father a few months ago.

Now, before all this (when I was still a single) I was at a cousin's wedding where I saw a girl. I was attracted to her immediately. However, due to the occasion and the fact that she never left her mom's side (or vice-versa), i could not do much about it.
Life moved on, and a few years later (I mean last weekend), we watched the video of that wedding. When I saw that girl in the video, the memories of the day came rushing back. I looked her up on Facebook and foudn that she is still single....
Anyway, last few days...I've been thinking about her a lot...like I used to think about girls back when I was ateenager/single...
Mind you, I am happily married and all...so these thoughts are making me mightly uncomfortable. Any other married/commited folks ever been in such situation?[/QUOTE]



It's human, it doesn't mean that your marriage is bad or that things should change with your wife, and it doesn't mean that you must be unhappy in your current life... We all make choices, and there are many directions we could go in, but the choices we made (and continually make) are shaping our current lives. You obviously love your wife, and you say you are happy, but it's natural to wonder 'what if,' especially after a baby and a length of time with someone. But if you value what you have, don't let yourself get carried away with the fantasy of a different life. Facebook lets us say a lot more then we would say if we ran into someone in the street, and things can get a lot more intimate then anyone intends fairly fast. You can't control an initial interest or desire in someone, but you can stop yourself from focusing on it and embracing it. And you can control your actions. My benchmark is to act with guys in a way that i'd be comfortable with my boyfriend acting with girls (and for him, he can act in a way that would be ok for me to act). So is it ok with you for your wife to add old love interests on facebook and talk to them? If it's something you need to hide from her, then it's something you shouldn't do.
But i know it's easy to sit behind a computor and give advice -- reality is much more complicated.

I am glad I posted here about this. Somehow my mind was at ease immediately after that and the thoughts and feelings towards that girl are not as intense anymore.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions on the situation. You have actually given direction to my thoughts.

[QUOTE] [b]ParisNair wrote:[/b]

I am glad I posted here about this. Somehow my mind was at ease immediately after that and the thoughts and feelings towards that girl are not as intense anymore.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions on the situation. You have actually given direction to my thoughts.
[/QUOTE]



So glad to hear that :) I think often when stuff like that happens, it's much bigger then it should be in our minds, because we can't express it. And once you say it out loud, and it's out in the open, it's so much more manageable. Anyway, glad you're feeling better :)

I'm glad you did too ParisNair. First, women just love to give advice. It's like this awesome mix of oxygen and chocolate. :) And truly, there are often many barriers to bringing things up in our offline lives and this was a perfect example. Even a small forum like this is rich with life experience and hopefully some wisdom on any number of things. I wish people took advantage of the relative anonymity and did it more often because we all potentially benefit.

My hockey team creamed Montreal last night 6-1 in front of 20,000+ unhappy Habs fans to take their first best of seven playoff series round in five games. Montreal was the 2nd seed in the Eastern Conference of the NHL, Ottawa the 7th. Go Sens! :)

The second to last game was highway robbery. The Sens evened it up with 23 seconds remaining after Montreal held the lead for a huge stretch and then they took it in OT within 2 and a half minutes. They probably heard the roar of Scotiabank Place in Australia. For reference, Australia is a mysterious and murky country that looks like every other place in the world, according to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZZ8X1zWJbo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UJ6WtEHcXM

[QUOTE]

[b]GratefulFan wrote: [/b] The last thing I'd say is that your feelings of discomfort are fragile. Give them attention and treat them with the utmost care because we humans have a remarkable capacity to rationalize just about any behaviour or decision, usually by degrees and mostly uncritically. This won't be the last time you will feel this way but it will be the first time you decide how to handle it and a precedent is a powerful thing.

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Pure gold. I've said this before, but you write so, so well. I just love this.
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[QUOTE] [b]GratefulFan wrote:[/b]

I'm glad you did too ParisNair. First, women just love to give advice. It's like this awesome mix of oxygen and chocolate. :) And truly, there are often many barriers to bringing things up in our offline lives and this was a perfect example. Even a small forum like this is rich with life experience and hopefully some wisdom on any number of things. I wish people took advantage of the relative anonymity and did it more often because we all potentially benefit.[/QUOTE]




Ha, so true about the oxygen and chocolate! But it's true about online friends -- you can say things and (usually) they don't come back to bite you, as long as you're reasonably sensible. When i was going through some extremely rough stuff for a few years, i couldn't get out of the house much other then just work or college, i had almost no 'real' friends, and fewer who i could talk to, but online friends kept me sane and taught me to communicate properly when i was able to get out into real life again. My fiance can't understand the idea of talking to people online, or how someone on a computor who you haven't met could possibly be a valuable part of life, and i've tried explaining it and just can't explain it. But online people have helped me so much, and allowed me to have communication with others when i couldn't see many people in real life. And some things are too sensitive to say to real life people, cos they know the other people involved.

https://soundcloud.com/inu-liger/sets/inu-liger-and-friends-jams Some Queen jam covers in this set we did for fun, with moi on the drums :-)

Queen have sold 'I Want It All' to Tesco to advertise beef roasting joints. Not kidding.

My very first introduction to I Want it All was in a Best Buy ad selling televisions.

The first time I heard I Want It All was after I got the Classic Queen CD.

I was walking down the street in town minding my own business, and two guys walked past... one turned around and said 'heya gorgeous.' I know it's stupid, but it still made me happy :D Even though he may have been being sarcastic :/

https://soundcloud.com/unbalancedofficial/unbalanced-moment-of-truth Strongly suggest you guys give this new single from Unbalanced a listen. It's reaaalllllly good :)