Some lyrical advices for my Freddie Mercury tribute song ;)

Hi Queenzoners :)

I am writing a song for commemorate the 20th anniversary of Freddie's
death and I need some advices from the lyrical point of view as I am
Italian, English is not my mother language, and I wanna be sure to write
and sing a text 100% correct in a grammatical way and above all
respectful of Freddie's figure since the theme of the song is very
delicate and I want to pay my tribute in the best possible way.

This is the song's context:

Freddie is at the end of his life and is thinking to his both good and
bad deeds. He asks his fans to don't leave him alone now that he finds
himself paying wrongly the price of the mistakes made in his youth,
but to accompany him and forget his sins recalling only the positive
things, like when on stage with his band he was commanding screaming
crowds "along the road for rock 'n roll". In the final a Freddie
finally relieved from the suffering is ready to fly away and asks fans
to follow him (in a mental way not physical of course) as he goes back
to being himself, breathing, seeing and above all singing now that he's
returned in a spiritual form in his youth. The sense of the ending is
that his music and his voice are surviving physical death, bringing his
soul to an higher level where he can live again (the dimension of our
memories, Freddie returns to live his youth in our memories).

These are the lyrics:

BACK TO MY YOUTH

I see the clouds into the sky
meanwhile I'm feeling down
I lived life to the extremes
deep down it was my youth

So don't you go away
but forget about my sins
As I fall into my gloom
As I fall into this doom
As I'm paying for the mistakes of my youth

I've commanded screaming crowds
along the road for rock 'n roll
I brought my music to the streets
such a worthy duty has been!

So don't you go away
just take my hand and heal my pain
As I fall into my gloom
As I fall into this doom
As I'm paying for the mistakes of my youth
(As I'm paying for the mistakes of my youth)

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- BRIDGE + SOLO -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

So now I'm flyin' away
you can forget about my sins
As I'm going back to breath
As I'm going back to see
So you can wipe your tears
just spread your wings and soar with me
As I'm going back to sing
Yes I'm going back to be
Now I'm going back to live in my youth

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So what do you think? All kinds of constructive criticisms are accepted
and please remember the good intentions behind this initiative and the
spirit that brought me here to ask for some advice, THANKS! :)

"I've commanded screaming crowds"

Just a quick thought - I don't think Freddie would write the above line. It sounds a bit conceited.  It is your/our view that he had commanded screaming crowds but it seems like you put the words in his mouth !

Just my two cents worth  :-)

Already been done. See "Was It All Worth It?"

[QUOTE]

[b]tcc wrote: [/b] "I've commanded screaming crowds"

Just a quick thought - I don't think Freddie would write the above line. It sounds a bit conceited.  It is your/our view that he had commanded screaming crowds but it seems like you put the words in his mouth !

Just my two cents worth  :-) [/QUOTE] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many thanks for the precious advice my friend :)
Yeah you're right... it sounds a little bit conceited :D Maybe with "I've guided screaming crowds" it sounds better. Don't you think?
And for the rest, is everything fine with the lyrics?

[QUOTE]

[b]Holly2003 wrote: [/b] Already been done. See "Was It All Worth It?" [/QUOTE]
Yeah thanks for remanding me my favourite Queen track of all time ;) Mine is a very humble and devoted attempt to pay tribute to Freddie, don't want to emulate or copy any Queen composition although the sound of the song Is very inspired by Freddie's solo ballads and in particular to "Going Back" from which I want to include a small sample of the initial part like Queen did in the "Mother Love" finale.

You haven't joined up with the Treasure Moment Tranqvestites or anything, right?  Just making sure.  They'll steal your song.
They  took mine...

There once was a man named Freddie
Who's libido did always seem ready.
His mind then went numb
And he turned towards the bum
Twenty years later he's deady.

[QUOTE]

[b]Raffy wrote: [/b] [QUOTE][/QUOTE]

[b]Holly2003 wrote: [/b]Already been done. See "Was It All Worth It?"
Yeah thanks for remanding me my favourite Queen track of all time ;) Mine is a very humble and devoted attempt to pay tribute to Freddie, don't want to emulate or copy any Queen composition although the sound of the song Is very inspired by Freddie's solo ballads and in particular to "Going Back" from which I want to include a small sample of the initial part like Queen did in the "Mother Love" finale.[/QUOTE]

Interesting. Look forward to hearing it.

[QUOTE]

[b]Holly2003 wrote: [/b] [QUOTE] Interesting. Look forward to hearing it.[/QUOTE] [/QUOTE] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Thanks for the encouragement and I highly recommend you to say something if you find some grammatical inaccuracies or incorrect meanings in the concepts expressed with my lyrics, like has done "tcc". At the end I'll make a clip for this song to accompany the music with video and photos of Freddie, I will publish it on my youtube channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/Raffyrock88) and will mention in the credits the people who assisted me during the whole working process :)