FAQ: Brian May

-fatty- 2850 20 March 2004 08:42 · Member since July 2001

Q. How old is Brian May?
A. Brian would have us believe that he is now in his mid-fifties and recent carbon-dating tests have proved inconclusive. We can however assume that Brian is at least 300 years old. Recent comments in an interview have lead us to believe that Brian may have planted the original seed that grew into the mahogony tree, was cut down and eventually turned into a fireplace that went into making his famous Red Special guitar. Furthermore, the skin on his neck is starting to resemble a rhino's scrotum.

Q.Who is Anita Dobson?
A. Anita Dobson is an English actress who rose to fame in the mid-eighties as the landlady of the Queen Vic in the popular BBC soap opera 'Eastenders'. Anita played Angie Watts whose on-screen husband was played by the real Eastend villain Den Watts.
Brian was recording Top of the Pops in a nearby studio in 1986 and decided to drop into the Queen Vic for a drink Brian and Anita got chatting and dicovered the had a lot in common. They both had a Queen connection, Brian's band and Anita's pub. They were both having problems with their marraiges and they both had the same stupid fucking hairstyle. They began seeing each other soon afterwards and decided to move in togther.
Brian's ex wife was understandbly upset at the break-up of her marraige but she got through it for the sake of their children. Anita's husband on the other hand was not taking things so well. He's was a cockney hard nut and you would have to be out of your bleedin barnett if you thought he was going to have some tin roof havin it on his toes wif his trouble & strife. Dennis Watts then began a year long hate campagn against Brian and Anita. He would stand outside their house and hurl bricks at the windows, he poured battery acid all over the bonnet of their car, he wrote sick messages on the side of their house and on a number of occasions, sent Brian a turd in the post. The police were powerless to do anything about the situation, claiming it was a domestic dispute.
Brian could take no more and in 1987 he hired a hit-man to kill Watts with a bunch of dafodils and dump his body in the canal.
Brian and Anita enjoyed twelve years of peace and quiet until Dennis turned up again last year. It turned out that he was only wounded by the bunch of flowers and he fled to Spain. Now that he has returned he is swanning around like he owns the manor

Q. Why did Brian build his own guitar?
A. Brian's family were by no means wealthy people and he simply could not afford to pay the ridiculous prices guitars fetched in those days. So with the help of his father they set about building one from odds and ends left lying around the house. The main body of the instrument was carved from a 100 year old mahogony fireplace (£1,300). the edging of the guitar was from the shelf edging from a fitted kitchen (£6,000) the dials came from motorbike valve springs (£2,500) and they used mother of peatlearings for the fret markers (£400). The finished guitar took thirteen years to build and cost a total of £24,736. The day after completion, the baliffs re-posessed the May's house and Brian's father recalled how his son asked if he could have a sixpence to use as a plectrum. Brian's father explained to his financialy ignorant offspring that plectrums only cost sixpence for a box of 25 and beat him soundly with a length of rubber hose.

Q. Did Brian May write the score for Mad Max?
A. Yes.

Q. Why does Brian wear clogs?
A. Brian sets trends, he does not follow them. Mind you after thirty years it doesn't look as if the trend is going to catch on and he ought to give it up.

fatty.

J

Josuè 20 March 2004 08:58 · Member since October 2002

*Funnyyy howw faaattyyy iss....*

I

iGSM 20 March 2004 09:01 · Member since May 2003

I wish fatty was made out of grapes.

C

Catgoddess 20 March 2004 09:16 · Member since September 2002

Mmmm...grapes

I

ilizarov 20 March 2004 09:25 · Member since July 2001

Very good, I particularly liked the breakdown of the cost of brian's guitar ;-)