Get well soon, Sir Archie!

Dear QueenZoners and Charles Baer, please find it in your dumb old hearts to spare a thought for my good pal and fellow two-time 'QueenZoner Of The Year' Sir Archie Leach, the old spanner.

The poor mite cried off from his weekly thrashing at tennis (3 years unbeaten for Sportsman Flash - his haphazard chip and charge is no match for my plodding baseline technique) complaining of tonsilitis, bless him.

He's always been rather a sickly young pup, more ail and farty than hale and hearty, and he's currently stuck at Chez Archie with nothing better to wank over than big fat Fern Britton off 'This Morning'. They must be dark times indeed.

I've sent around a young nurse I know called Belinda to aid his convalescence. She's a cute blonde thing in the Miss James mould - right up his street. If she doesn't do the trick I've got old Sweaty Betty waiting in the wings. She'll have him up and about in no time with her vile concoction of putrid balms and builder-esque eggy trumps.

So chin up lad and get well soon.

Awww... Archie feel better! And hi Flashie :D

Get better so you can come back and abuse/be abused! :D

Looks like the years of hard living have finally caught up with the old doughnut.

I'll have to send him a bottle of Flashy's Elixir. Gargling with vodka destroys all known germs. And before you ask - swallow, don't spit.

It was with an aching heart and a tear in each eye that I read about the illness of the young master.
If Mr Flashman would pass on our sincerest wishes of a speedy recovery, I would be humbly grateful.
If there is anything I can do or if there any organs I can donate, then let me know.

fatty and all the other servants at Leach Hall.

Dear friends and compadres it's with a tear in my eye (stubbed my toe on computer desk)that I've read all these quite beautiful messages. As you can probably garner I'm back on my feet though not quite match fit.

Then again a week off work and the end of my celibacy period last weekend would say things are on the up!

Please don't diss This Morning Flashy you old stoolpigeon there was a very interesting section on the life and times of the original Archie Leach on Tuesday.

Anyway back to my Lucozade...

PS I'll have to put a spread on at the Reform Club once I'm off the antibiotics for Erica, Miss James, Flashman, Fatty, Dan and Peter North. I don't think Mr North is old enough to sit at the adult table so we'll pop him in the corner at the kiddies' table with Dark Mywhato and Jake Britt.

Don't talk about ending your celibacy while Miss James is in earshot Archie, you old tambourine. You'll only break her little heart.

I've told you I'd pay for her to be sent over to Leach Hall from the States.
So long as she comes by barrel.

Boyfriend?

Listen toots, there's a world of difference between boys and men, so think on!

It's ok Flashy you old toothless simpleton I survived Miss James news by hitting the bottle.

And yes Miss James you are certainly at the 'adult' table.

What kind of food will be served Archie? I'm a bit peckish. Also, Do we need to bring a gift?

Archie, I want to go to your party [whines a bit].

I would be delighted if you would accompany me to Archie's shindig Erica, my bespectacled Princess.

You can trust ol' Flashy to be the perfect gentleman. Until you've had a few of course, in which case anything goes.

Erica my dear young lady you were already one of the invited guests but it is not a 'party' as you so commonly put it.

We do NOT 'party' at the Reform Club, we have drinks before a quite wonderful dining experience and then the gentlemen depart to the games room for a spot of billiards, snooker or pin the tail on the asylum seeker. The ladies stay in the lounge and gossip about girly things that are of no importance whatsoever, over drinks. After setting the world to rights the gentlemen rejoin the ladies for cheese and biscuits and drinks. Then perhaps a spot of dancing if you so desire.

Although no one could compare to you Miss James that old ruffian Flashman has been 'bigging me up', I believe that's the correct term, with the local womenfolk. He has assured me it is just like riding a bike.

I would make sure it turns into a party... :D

Dinner jackets and evening dresses all round.