Advice Please

I wrote a poem (an unfinished poem) a couple of days ago. Just wondering what you think of it...
One last thing, I'm new to writing poetry, so don't make fun of me please...

Here it goes:

I woke up this morning
And I couldn't stop mourning
Oh how I could die trying
But I couldn't stop crying
It hurts to much, but I must do it
I must face my fate, not just forget it

If I could wish upon a shooting star
I would ask for a land a far
Where love glistens with the sweet sound of honey bees
A place for all, no matter one's creed

But that's just a dream; now back to reality with all its greed
And all the whiplash and all its fake creed
I'm scared of the world and all its anger
Oh how we've forgotten that little manger

Nice stuff man, but don't feel like you have to ryhme. Poetry isnt about ryhming, and I think your work would be a lot more freehweelin' if you let those shackles off mate. Cheers.

I think it's truly lovely...;_;

Not bad steve, you need to finish it, but then what the hell do i know about poetry!

I like it.

Thanks guys...

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]SK<h6>Bob Dylan>Queen ;)<h6> wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Nice stuff man, but don't feel like you have to ryhme. Poetry isnt about ryhming, and I think your work would be a lot more freehweelin' if you let those shackles off mate. Cheers.[/QUOTE]
Ditto to that. It sounds like your poetry is tied up and in chains.. I just get the impression that it was a big struggle to get all the rhymes out, and it needs to sound more f-r-e-e!
But nice job!

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Metal Head wrote: [/QUOTENAME]I wrote a poem (an unfinished poem) a couple of days ago. Just wondering what you think of it...
One last thing, I'm new to writing poetry, so don't make fun of me please...

Here it goes:

I woke up this morning
And I couldn't stop mourning
Oh how I could die trying
But I couldn't stop crying
It hurts to much, but I must do it
I must face my fate, not just forget it

If I could wish upon a shooting star
I would ask for a land a far
Where love glistens with the sweet sound of honey bees
A place for all, no matter one's creed

But that's just a dream; now back to reality with all its greed
And all the whiplash and all its fake creed
I'm scared of the world and all its anger
Oh how we've forgotten that little manger

[/QUOTE]

Ohhh yeahhh

I'd re-arrange it and write some music to it and then sing it, but make sure it's being recorded!

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]<font color=660066>Fredlilah<h6> wrote: [/QUOTENAME][QUOTE][QUOTENAME]SK<h6>Bob Dylan>Queen ;)<h6> wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Nice stuff man, but don't feel like you have to ryhme. Poetry isnt about ryhming, and I think your work would be a lot more freehweelin' if you let those shackles off mate. Cheers.[/QUOTE]
Ditto to that. It sounds like your poetry is tied up and in chains.. I just get the impression that it was a big struggle to get all the rhymes out, and it needs to sound more f-r-e-e!
But nice job![/QUOTE]

Ah yes, it sounds forced. Exactly.

Primer mi carucha, chevy 39
Going to el monte legion stadium
Pick up on my weesa, she is so divine
Helps me stealing hubcaps, wasted all the time


^---Good example of what Poetry can be

Biscuits on the table,
Good day!

Wonderful poem! Wow! You're so talented!!! :D