Queen Studies Exam

Time alloted for exam 1 hour. Please attempt all questions. Should you require extra paper, you are taking it too seriously.

THE FREDDIE SECTION

1. How much money did Jer Bulsara pay to a Zanzibarian photographer to ensure her ugly child came first in a beautiful baby competition?

2. When Freddie was at Eton, he shared a dorm with ex Prime Minister, John Major.What was Freddie's nickname for Major?
For extra credit, in what year was the reason for the nickname legalised?

3. By 1975, Freddie's teeth and chest hair accounted for more than 50% of his body weight. What was the ratio in 1987?

4. Name three of the items Freddie would stuff down the front of his trousers to give the impression he was hung like a shire horse.

5. In 1982, Freddie attacked Art Garfunkel with a bread stick in a Soho nightclub. To the nearst cm, how much of the breadstick did Art's proctologist retreive?

6. Freddie originally wrote the song 'Keep Passing The Open Windows' for the motion picture 'Hotel New Hampshire' starring Robert Downey Jnr. How many of the rooms at the Hotel New Hampshire have en-suite facilities?

7. When Queen played the Sidney Opera House on the Works Tour they had to pay for a hole to be drilled in the ceiling to accomidate their huge lighting rig. Freddie subsequently got Paul MaCartney to pay for the same hole when he played the same venue a few nights later. Name three other artists that Freddie sold his hole to.

8. According to Rick Sky's biography of Freddie (The Show Must Go On). Rick believes himself to be a close friend of the late singer. Who the fuck is he trying to kid?

9. What happened to Freddie's ashes?
A. They were taken back to Zanzibar by Freddie's parents.
B. They were scattered under a cherry tree at Garden Lodge.
c. Mary used them to grit the path after an icy spell in 1992.

10. To the nearst cm, what was the leangth of Jim Hutton's face after the reading of Freddie's last will and testament?


THE ROGER SECTION

1. How many ears does Roger have (this one should be easy)

2. Why does Roger wear sunglasses indoors?
A. They are prescription sunglasses.
B. He has an allergy to artificial light.
C. He's a ponce.

3. Name the low budget porn flick that Roger starred in in 1972.

4. Who would win in a fight between Roger Taylor and Lemme from Motorhead?

5. In 1987, Roger obtained a high court injunction against the Sun Newspaper, forbidding them from publishing photographs of him leaving a London nightclub with an unidentified woman. Who was the woman and for extra credit which school did she attend?

6. Roger upset his neighbours by erecting gates to the driveway of his Surrey masion without planning permission. What did he do to make amends.
A. He removed the gates.
B. He apologised and invited his neighbours to a party at his home.
C. He sent each and every one of them a turd in the post.

7. Roger caused further uproar in the philatic world when he appeared in the background of a stamp commemorating Freddie Mercury. It transpired that the reigning monarch is the only living person allowed to appear on a stamp and philatilists around the world called for the offending stamp to be withdrawn. How fucking petty can these sad cunts get? Discuss.

8. In 2001 a private home movie of Roger in the shower turned up on ebay. Which of the following best describes Roger's genetalia.
A. Like a baby's arm holding an apple.
B. Average with a slight bend to the left.
C. Like a baby carrot and two petit pois.

9. (MEN ONLY) In the video for 'I Want To Break Free' Roger dresses up as a disturbingly convincing schoolgirl. Be honest, would you give him/her one. A simple yes or no will suffice.

10. (WOMEN ONLY) In the video for 'I Want To Break Free' Roger dresses up as a disturbingly convincing schoolgirl. Be honest, would you give him/her one and does this mean you may have lesbian tendecies. Discuss at great leangth with the aid of photographs if possible.


TH

section 2

THE FANS SECTION (WARNING: some of these are serious questions)

1. On the official fan club message board he was known as Holly. On Queenzone he is Holly2003. What was his name on Queenrocker?

2. On what date did the official fan club message board go tits up?

3. Who coined the phrase 'Stepford Fan'?

4. What was Brandon's nick on the official fan club message board?

5. Who owned the Queenrocker site?

6. Where did Ted claim to be from.

7. How do you pronounce WSTUSSYB?

8. Which of the following would make Taylormayed happiest?
A. The love of a good woman.
B. A Queen Box Set in 2004
C. A new series of Dr Who with Brian May in the title role

9. If Chad Hanging's collected posts were printed out on A4 paper and piled on top of each other, would there be snow on the top?

10. Pair up the following Zoners with their better halves
Erin, Eggy, Leah Lurex, Eric, Fatty-Raspy, Demeter, Dark Myuutwo, Khashoggi, Pieter.

11. Which of the following would you not find in a post from Charles Baer.
A. The word Penis
B. The phrase 'Get It On!'
C. A single coherant sentence.

12. Name the fictional band that Jake Britt claimed to play with.

13. How many children born in England in the past few years bear a striking resemblance to either Flashman or Archie Leach?

14. Thanks to Taylormayed and fatty, Penetration Guru has been portrayed as a two dimensional stereotype for quite some time. What is this stereotypical image?

15. Which Zoner plays guitar, piano, bass, mandolin and is taking up the sitar?

16. When is Alli James's birthday?

17. Which zoner claimed to own a pair of boots that Freddie wore on the Magic Tour then went in a huff when nobody believed him.

18. Whick Zoner bears an uncanny resemblance to Eddie Tenpole?

19. If Bob the Shrek and Jake Britt were left alone in a windowless room for more than three minutes, how many gallons of Cif cream would be needed to remove the bloodstains from the walls?

20. Which zoner can be best described in just three words? Dutch, Fat & Deluded.



fatty.

Some people have too much time on their hands, so sad really.

Thats fucking hilarious fatstuff, I know all the answers to section 2, but cant be arsed to post them.

1. How many ears does Roger have (this one should be easy)

## Three, a left - a right and a strange front-EAR. [sarcasm]ROTFL[/sarcasm]


9. To the nearest inch, how thick is the layer of dust that has gathered on John's guitar case.

## 6.5 years. Probably 3.2 inch :-P

10. Where would you be most likely to find John these days?
A. Attending the premiere of the latest Hollywood blockbuster.
B. Hard at work in the studio, putting the final touches to his latest solo effort
C. Hiding in the attic of his Surrey mansion, wearing a dressing gown and slippers with a five day growth.

## C.
THE BRIAN SECTION

1. When putting Smile together, Brian advertised for a Warren Mitchell/Ginger Rogers type drummer. Who were Warren Mitchell and Ginger Rogers and what did they have to do with drummers?

## They weren't drummers - they were dancers.

2. Which of the following are not components of the Red Special.
A. A 100 year old mahogony firelace.
B. Motorcycle valve springs
C. 45 cubic tonnes of builder's sand
D. A sixpenny piece

## C and D. The six penny pence isn't PART of the Red Special.
3. Rod Stewart wrote the song Maggie May as a tribute to the sister Brian never had. Which of Brian's own compositions had the same dedication.

## Sail Away Sweet Sister

6. Ozzy Ozbourne's wife Saron is a huge fan of Brian. How long before Brian turns up on her god awful chat show spouting some over sentimental bullshit about whatever cause is trendy at the time.

## Probably summer this year - the musical should appear in the US around that time, where it'll probably flop because most of the stuff is 80's Queen.

For extra credit how long will it take him to turn the conversation around to that fucking musical?
## 30 seconds


8. In what year did Brian's fans lose what little respect thay had left for him.

## 2002, when he became all musical-minded. Or 2003, when he worked with Britney & co.

9. In what year did Brian lose what little respect he had for himself
## 1999, when he recorded with 5ive.

2. On what date did the official fan club message board go tits up?
## December 1999 ?


15. Which Zoner plays guitar, piano, bass, mandolin and is taking up the sitar?

## That lazy bastard FriedChicken. I'd play 4 instruments too if I didn't have to go to school or work ;-)


20. Which zoner can be best described in just three words? Dutch, Fat & Deluded.

## You probably mean FVTB....

I can't believe I actually spent time answering some of these questions :D

THE FANS SECTION (WARNING: some of these are serious questions)

1. On the official fan club message board he was known as Holly. On Queenzone he is Holly2003. What was his name on Queenrocker?

A. Hoale

2. On what date did the official fan club message board go tits up?

A. Jan 1st 2000 (nothing to do with me)

3. Who coined the phrase 'Stepford Fan'?

A. Gordonburstingfoam

5. Who owned the Queenrocker site?

A. LeftHandedGuitarist

6. Where did Ted claim to be from.

A. hmm, Glasgow and then we found out he was irish. very odd chap, wherever did he go?

7. How do you pronounce WSTUSSYB?

A. Fuck knows

8. Which of the following would make Taylormayed happiest?
A. The love of a good woman.
B. A Queen Box Set in 2004
C. A new series of Dr Who with Brian May in the title role

A. C

9. If Chad Hanging's collected posts were printed out on A4 paper and piled on top of each other, would there be snow on the top?

A. It would reach the moon

11. Which of the following would you not find in a post from Charles Baer.
A. The word Penis
B. The phrase 'Get It On!'
C. A single coherant sentence.

A. C

14. Thanks to Taylormayed and fatty, Penetration Guru has been portrayed as a two dimensional stereotype for quite some time. What is this stereotypical image?

A. If I remember correctly, he is a man who stands in dark alleys smoking heavily whilst getting blow jobs off alex ferguson.


17. Which zoner claimed to own a pair of boots that Freddie wore on the Magic Tour then went in a huff when nobody believed him.

A. LOL

19. If Bob the Shrek and Jake Britt were left alone in a windowless room for more than three minutes, how many gallons of Cif cream would be needed to remove the bloodstains from the walls?

A. None, Bob would use some other stuff he nicked from work.

20. Which zoner can be best described in just three words? Dutch, Fat & Deluded.

A. Freddie VTB

I know Question 18 in the fan's section. I have a thousand swords actually.

Fatty you're the best!

"To the nearest cm, what was the length of Jim Hutton's face after the reading of Freddie's last will and testament?"

That has to be the single funniest thing ever written about Queen. Black humour at its very best.

Imagine how much better WWRY might've been if Fatty had written it instead of Ben Elton.

I took your little quiz, fatty:

THE FREDDIE SECTION
1. Not enough to cover the cost of Vaseline to be spread on the lens.
2. Major Major Major - 1952.
3. 80%.
4. Cucumber; a small baby; a shire horse.
5. 10cm.
6. Trick question - The Hotel New Hampshire is actually a motel.
7. Boy George, George MIchael, and Elton John. Michael Jackson tried to buy Freddie’s hole, but Freddie wasn’t 12 years old.
8. Himself.
9. C - the neighbors were complaining.
10. 78cm.

THE ROGER SECTION
1. Roger doesn’t believe in ears.
2. C - who’s he trying to kid?
3. “You Can Taylor My Roger”
4. Roger would be too out of breath to start a fight.
5. Janet Reno - and she didn’t attend school.
6. B, then C.
7. Pretty fucking petty, it’s sad, isn’t it?
8. C - poor guy.
9. of course.
10. N/A.

THE JOHN SECTION
1. Pubicdeaconitis.
2. Trick question - John Entwistle’s not dead, he’s still living in Vegas enjoying strippers and cocaine.
3. a fiver, whatever that is
4. Lacey - in an outtake for the movie, John asked her “if [her] underwear is lacey too,” then giggled - and John wouldn’t be in any shit whatsoever, as she grew up to be a member of the WPGA
5. his domestic science teacher from school, Mr. Warpole
6. C
7. it wasn’t just you, she really was ugly
8. the inventor of snow
9. none - John dusts his guitar case regularly, but is confused as to what is actually inside
10. B and C

THE BRIAN SECTION
1. Warren Mitchell was supposed to name himself Warren Peace, but messed up royally, and gained notoriety for being the biggest fuck-up born; Ginger Rogers was Mr. Rogers’ wife. Brian was just confused, but still managed to get what he was looking for - a fucked up wife of a puppeteer.
2. A - it was cedar.
3. On My Way Down - which was rewritten as ‘On My Way Up’ for obvious reasons.
4.the whole of Iceland
5. who the fuck cares
6. he’s scheduled for next Wednesday, but a clause was stipulated in the contract saying under no circumstances is he to mention that wretched musical; the fucking rebel will probably break the clause anyway
7. Tommy
8. 2000?
9. 1947
10. Brian’s been using the same sixpenny for the past forty years; after every performance, he swallows it and is extracted rectally for the next performance. Brian also doesn’t believe in sterilization, so fans beg him not to throw the sixpenny into the crowd.

This is margo and mandy, as weare together right now and it would be annoying to make two seperate posts. so- here it goes...

THE FREDDIE SECTION

1. How much money did Jer Bulsara pay to a Zanzibarian photographer to ensure her ugly child came first in a beautiful baby competition?
margo- at least $2,000
mandy- $0, but she gave him at least two lunchboxes of homeade cheese biscuits.

2. When Freddie was at Eton, he shared a dorm with ex Prime Minister, John Major.What was Freddie's nickname for Major?
For extra credit, in what year was the reason for the nickname legalised?
margo- marjorie, cross dressing, legalized... well never really. it wasn't ever illegal.
mandy- "F**khead", and it must have been legal, or Mike Tyson would be in prison forever.

3. By 1975, Freddie's teeth and chest hair accounted for more than 50% of his body weight. What was the ratio in 1987?
margo- at least 75%
mandy- 25%. I still hope and pray that his abominable chest hair was fake.

4. Name three of the items Freddie would stuff down the front of his trousers to give the impression he was hung like a shire horse.
both of us- mangos, salami, mex's head. (not my fault. ha! you don't know who's typing this!)

5. In 1982, Freddie attacked Art Garfunkel with a bread stick in a Soho nightclub. To the nearst cm, how much of the breadstick did Art's proctologist retreive?
margo- 5 cm.
mandy- very little. Presumably, Art ate the breadstick.

6. Freddie originally wrote the song 'Keep Passing The Open Windows' for the motion picture 'Hotel New Hampshire' starring Robert Downey Jnr. How many of the rooms at the Hotel New Hampshire have en-suite facilities?
margo- none
mandy- 525,600

7. When Queen played the Sidney Opera House on the Works Tour they had to pay for a hole to be drilled in the ceiling to accomidate their huge lighting rig. Freddie subsequently got Paul MaCartney to pay for the same hole when he played the same venue a few nights later. Name three other artists that Freddie sold his hole to.
both of us- Eddie vedder, to jump through, Michael Jackson, Brian May.

8. According to Rick Sky's biography of Freddie (The Show Must Go On). Rick believes himself to be a close friend of the late singer. Who the fuck is he trying to kid?
margo- the general population of non-queenfans
mandy- Mex, and he'll fall for it, too ;)
margo- she's so cruel *giggles*

9. What happened to Freddie's ashes?
A. They were taken back to Zanzibar by Freddie's parents.
B. They were scattered under a cherry tree at Garden Lodge.
c. Mary used them to grit the path after an icy spell in 1992.
margo- c
mandy- a mixture of A, B, and C. Some were also sent to me.

10. To the nearst cm, what was the leangth of Jim Hutton's face after the reading of Freddie's last will and testament?
margo- 30cm.
mandy- as Mary Austin had just pounded it into the floor, it's not sure whether he still had a face. 0 cm.


THE ROGER SECTION

1. How many ears does Roger have (this one should be easy)
margo- none
mandy- I second that.

2. Why does Roger wear sunglasses indoors?
A. They are prescription sunglasses.
B. He has an allergy to artificial light.
C. He's a ponce.
margo- hes just a dork, thats all.
mandy- he wants to be Kurt Cobain.

3. Name the low budget porn flick that Roger starred in in 1972.
margo- porn flick? Roger? never...
mandy- An unknown KISS video.

4. Who would win in a fight between Roger Taylor and Lemme from Motorhead?
margo- roger would never get himself into such a stupid situation. right?
mandy- who the fuck is Lemme? For that matter, who's Roger Taylor???

5. In 1987, Roger obtained a high court injunction against the Sun Newspaper, forbidding them from publishing photographs of him leaving a London nightclub with an unidentified woman. Who was the woman and for extra credit which school did she attend?
margo- an unknown girl from an unknown elementary school.
mandy- JoAnne Kathleen Rowling, Exeter.

I agree with Holly (Brian). The Jim Hutton joke takes the cake!
Nice one Fatty, though I do wish I had some of your free time!

CONTINUED
2. According to the testimony of the late John Entwhistle of The Who in 'Magic Years Vol 1'. John Deacon should have used a heavier bass. Has the explanation for this private joke ever been revealed and if so what was the cardially challenged philanderer going on about?
margo- no it hasn't, and no one knows
mandy- What are YOU going on about? Cardial whatsamahoosey?
margo- ouch

3. John has a Bsc in electronics and had he not chosen a career in showbusiness could have easily become a qualified spark. How much would it cost to have him fit a shower in a second floor bathroom with quarter inch pipe pressure?
margo- about $20
mandy- EXACTLY $314.15

4. In the days before Gary Glitter, Jonathan King and Michael Jackson, it was perfectly acceptable for those in the music industry to talk to children in the street. In the video 'Live In Budapest' John can be seen chatting to a young girl with no sinister overtones at all. What was her name and for extra credit how much shit would he be in if he did that these days?
margo- shirley, and deep deep shit
mandy- Her name was Marie, and he wouldn't be in a lot of shit, but rather a lot of semen ;)
margo- shit. and thats being posted under MY name too.

5.What in the name of god and all that is holy possesed John to wear a suit on the tour promoting 'The Game' that made him look like a domestic science teacher?
margo- are you dissing science teachers?
mandy- I have possessed John since 1964, so it must have been me.

6. When John was arrested for being in charge of a motor vehicle whilst eleven times over the legal limit for alcohol. What was the response of the arresting officer to John's excuse.
A. I'm a huge fan and could I get an autograph.
B. I'm sorry Mr Deacon but the law is the law.
C. Never heard of you.
margo- c. I've never heard of him either.
mandy- C and then B.

7. John was recently photographed at a lap-dancing bar enjoying the attention of a scantily clad young lady. Is it just me or did that woman have tits like spaniel's ears and John could have done a lot better than that flat chested harridan. Discuss.
margo- no, he'd have been better off with mandy.
mandy- no, I'm sorry, but he just can't do any better than Taylor Hawkins.

8. To whom did John dedicate his first solo album 'Man In The Shadows'?
margo- me. I own approx 20 copies, as it is a very wonderful and moving CD.
mandy- Margo. He had to pay her somehow ;D
margo- I thought you got back at me in the last question...

9. To the nearest inch, how thick is the layer of dust that has gathered on John's guitar case.
margo- he still has it?
mandy- 0 inches. It's a bass, dumbcluck.

10. Where would you be most likely to find John these days?
A. Attending the premiere of the latest Hollywood blockbuster.
B. Hard at work in the studio, putting the final touches to his latest solo effort
C. Hiding in the attic of his Surrey mansion, wearing a dressing gown and slippers with a five day growth.
margo- Grateful Threads
mandy- B - putting the final touches on his latest solo effort to get out of bed in the morning.

THE BRIAN SECTION

1. When putting Smile together, Brian advertised for a Warren Mitchell/Ginger Rogers type drummer. Who were Warren Mitchell and Ginger Rogers and what did they have to do with drummers?
margo- you mean you don't know?
mandy- It was Ginger BAKER, and he played the drums for Cream. If I need to further explain how this relates to drummers, please tell me.

2. Which of the following are not components of the Red Special.
A. A 100 year old mahogony firelace.
B. Motorcycle valve springs
C. 45 cubic tonnes of builder's sand
D. A sixpenny piece
margo- aren't they ALL on the guitar?
mandy- A. Last I checked, there was never firelace of any kind on the Red Special.

3. Rod Stewart wrote the song Maggie May as a tribute to the sister Brian never had. Which of Brian's own compositions had the same dedication.
margo-The Prophet's song

Mandy!!!!
I hope you weren't reffering to me in that John question.

*EEEEWWWWW*

LOL

you caught her. *giggles*