Things you wish you'd said but didn't have the gumption.

For example I, Sir Archie, used to work in an electrical shop selling...err...electrical stuff. Well basically a right fuckwit of a customer rang up and was speaking to one of my colleagues, Roxanne*. He wanted to know something technical about ventilation fans. Well Roxanne didn't have a clue (what with being a bit of fluff and all). So she asked Sir Archie the question (I think she secretly wanted a bit).

The customer asked who she was talking too and she replied 'Sir Archie'.

The customer replied 'What you asking him for he doesn't know the difference between a fan and a fanny**'

I was shocked into silence (cos I did know the difference).

But later after thinking about it I kicked myself when I thought of a good reply.

When tithead customer said 'What you asking him for he doesn't know the difference between a fan and a fanny'.

I should have replied, nay roared 'Yes but I know what a cunt looks like'. (For the benefit of Dark I was implying the customer).

How I would have laughed at the job centre.

I'm glad I've got that off my chest it's been eating me up inside for three years.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent
** for US citizens it's what you'd call...err...'a woman's area'.

Some years ago, in my former class, I sat next to a deskmate which was not just slightly annoying. Straight behind him, some clever teacher placed his best friend, and they made an "amusing" couple. They spent most of the time talking, sometimes dragging me and another friend of mine into their conversation.
So, once the conversation went like this:
Guy: *says something about girls and looks*
Guy 2: "Yeah, I always look at girls breast, and if it's A-cup I simply don't speak to them no more"
*looks at me, who was very flat-chested*
Guy 2: "But I'm sure you do the same thing when it comes to a guy's dick, right Silje?"

What I should've answered: "Well yeah, that's why I so rarely speak to you."

What I answered: I don't know, can't recall, but it was not as good as that!

By jove that's the spirit!

Anymore for anymore?

People thru my whole life have asked 'Why are you so skinny...are you sick? are you a drug addict?' So the last time some woman asked me that, I had had enough and I told her. "Yes there is something wrong with me. I eat and eat, but I just can't gain any weight. It all goes straight to my cock." The look on her face was priceless.

There's one occasion that springs to mind that took place a few years ago. This is a long detailed story, so saddle up...

I was at my grandmother's house babysitting two cousins of mine and it just so happened that this carpenter (he's also a preacher and a plumber) was there working on my grandmother's roof. When I was little, when he would see me in public, he'd approach me, pick me up and give me a lingering hug/cuddle, which I hated. For a little kid, this is of course rather frightening, as you don't want unfamiliar men behaving as though you're good chums when you're obviously not. Unfortunately, this lovely hugging/cuddling thing didn't even stop when I got older.

Anyway, when he was working on the roof, I made certain to avoid him for the whole time that he was there, but just as I was about to go home I needed to take something into the house (he was inside it). I walked up the path to the house and could see him walking up to me, then I quickly moved to the side, so he could pass. He then took me into a head lock (no kidding) and placed his hand beneath my arm, next to my *ahem* chest area...he said something like "Hey, now you're too big to hide behind your mom! haha" I said "Well isn't that funny, a**hole?" but I can't be sure he heard me.

There are a dozen things I wish I'd have said, but they are too rude to post here. ;^)

As I said before Lil' Bit, You should've said them ALL. ;)

"(For the benefit of Dark I was implying the customer)"

Thanks :)

You know me - never short of something to say, especially when it comes to belittling folk. I consider it an art form.

I remember one time at the golf club, after the Captain's Day dinner, when I was taking this young oik to the cleaners on the billiards table. He had the barefaced affrontery to accuse me of cheating. I was, but that was besides the point. I had no intention of being shown up in front of some of high societies biggest movers and shakers - you never know when you might need to tap a few bob, for bail and the like.
Quite a throng had gathered around when he blurted "Sir, you are a cheat and a bounder!"

Guilty as charged I may be, but there were ladies present so I had to come up with something decent to make me look good and hopefully increase my already better than even odds of chucking my leg over.

Unfortunately, I'd downed one too many sherberts, so I couldn't think of anything better than "Rot you!" as I clubbed him over the head with my cue before being ejected by Big Tony and banned for life.

This country!

Spur of the moment put downs I can do all day and all night, but I'd hate to be the kind of sad lonely individual that remembered them.

There are quite a few things that I wish I'd have said or wish I would say. But they are personal, So they will stay that way.

aaah put downs...sarcastic remarks, hey that was what i was born for...too many to remember and i think ive never walked away from a situation where i could've said something better! Oh no there was one situation, but i was crying too much to talk anyways so just gave em a slap! that felt good ;D

aaah put downs...sarcastic remarks, hey that was what i was born for...too many to remember and i think ive never walked away from a situation where i could've said something better! Oh no there was one situation, but i was crying too much to talk anyways so just gave em a slap! that felt good ;D

I always have the gumption.

I always have the gumption.

i tried reaching mine once...:P

Miss James that was a bit rum you nearly swore!

You should have kicked him in the jaffas.
Tantamount to kiddie fiddling is that.