The Private & Personal Diaries of Freddie Mercury (1946-1991)

11th JANUARY 1971
Dear Diary
Well here I am tucked up in bed with a steaming mug of Ovaltine and my beloved diary. Today we spent hours auditioning for a new Bass Player. There were four in all and if there's one thing I have learned about bassists, it's that they are all as dull as dishwater. The first guy looked as though his mammy had knitted him, ran out of wool for his ears and used a pair of socks. I swear to god he looked like a fucking spaniel. The second guy insisted on showing us slides from his holiday in the Isle of Wight. The third guy came in wearing a tank top and tartan bellbottoms and the fourth guy was so mind numbingly dull that Brian attempted to slash his own wrists before he had even started playing. It looks as if we are going to go with the third guy. I'm not sure if he is a qualified clergyman but his name is Deacon John, maybe he's a monk.
He can certainly handle his instrument but Roger has reservations about having a guy in the bans that makes John Selwyn Gummer look sexy. I explained to them that the duller the bassist looks, the more flambouyant we might appear. A major plus is that Deacon is a bit of a whizz kid when it comes to electronics. He might come in handy if we ever need a lightbulb replaced or something.
F.M.

29TH NOVEMBER 1990
Dear Diary
Not much happening today. Had a band meeting concerning the Greatest Hits 2 album. I hate those kinds of meetings. Thank god there will never be enough material around for a third.
Most of the Newspapers are focusing on the departure of Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister. I have never been that political and I never bothered to vote but I like most sane people on the planet am glad to see the back of her. I met her in 1984 at some charity function or other. Well when I say I met her, what actually happened was I went into the gents lavatory and saw her standing at the urinal having a slash. She then washed her hands and left. She could wash her hands from now till doomsday but she'll never get the blood of the miners off them.
I have never heard of this new guy before. I don't know if he is a military man but I think his name is Major John. He looks a bit of a speccy twat and the weirdest thing about him is that he appears to have a moustache under his skin. Well that's all for today. I still have my medication to take and I want to write some more material for a possible posthumous album.
F.M

EXACT DATE UNSURE 1984
Dear Diary
Well it seems as if I'm mister unpopular at the moment. We shot the video for our third single from the Works album today. 'It's A Hard Life'. I wrote the bloody song so I think it's only fair that I dictate what outfits we wear. I wore a sexy red number with ostritch feathers and a line of eyes running from my chest down to my pecker. The lads came into my dressing room and started pissing themselves laughing and said I looked like a giant prawn. I soon wiped the smiles off their faces when I showed them their outfits.
Brian's togged up in a skanky old brown fur coat that I picked up at a cancer research charity shop. The assistant assured me that it's previous owner was incontinent and had died in it. I bought the previous owner too and had her skull and thigh bone turned into a guitar.
I dressed Roger in a rather fetching black and white number which he didn't seem to mind until I showed him the ruff. He looked as if he's swallowed a pavlova and it got stuck in his throat.
As Deaky had laughed at my costume the loudest I made sure he got the worst of the bunch. Ha Ha .
It was supposed to look like a horse buthe looks like a fucking pantomime cow. He couldn't get the hat on though, he's still going through his afro phase. The video went without a hitch, apart from that fat cow Barbera Valentine standing on my foot and the lads walking around with faces like thunder. So now they're not speaking to me and calling me Mr Bad Guy....hang on that gives me an idea for a song.
F.M

APRIL 1974
Dear Diary
This morning we arrived in Japan to kick off the tour. There were over three thousand fans there to greet us all screaming 'WE LOVE ROGER' 'WE WANT ROGER' ROGER IS ACE'. Well if Japan wants Roger they can fucking well have Roger. The country is one almighty shithole and I aint coming back.
F.M.

15th AUGUST 1974
John's birthday-remember to send card.

Dear Diary
I've been working on a song for the new album which deals with our ex-managers. It's hardly what you might call a cheerful little ditty in fact it contains references to the shameful and underhanded way they dealt with our finances. I have the framework of the melody and most of the lyrics but I'm struggling to come up with a suitable title. At the moment it's a toss up between 'Death On Two Legs' and 'Where The Fuck Is My Money You Dirty Theiving Bastards

3rd MARCH 1986
Dear Diary
We had a band meeting this morning to discuss the forthcoming European Tour. Diana Mosely gave us a sneak preview of our stage wear and I have to say I am very impressed with her work. I have white trousers with red and gold piping and a choice of two military style jackets. One in white the other in yellow. She has also created a beautiful crown and ermine robe that I am going to wear for the finale.
Brian has a long white jacket and trousers and John seems happy eough to wear a t-shirt and shorts. I'm not so sure about Roger's though. It's a black and white stripey jersey and tight black leggings. All that's missing is the black mask and a bag with SWAG written on the side and candlesticks poking out.
F.M.

19th NOVEMBER 1991
Dear Diary
The Pain has become almost unbearable and the doctors are reluctant to give me a straight answer as to how long I have left to live. To make matters worse, Roger came to visit me today and in the course of our conversation he mentioned his solo career. You can only imagine how shocked I was and it took all my skills as a stage performer to act as though I was aware of this. When he went home I had Pheobe look into this and it turns out he has released 2 solo albums and a further two albums as lead singer with another band. I had no bloody idea what he was talking about. Roger kept asking me which of his solo songs I liked best and I had to pretend to lapse into a coma to avoid answering him. I really will have to set a day aside and listen to them. In fact I think I'll make a note in my diary just now and keep that day free.
F.M.

25th NOVEMBER 1991

Keep day free to listen to Roger's solo albums.
F.M.

EXACT DATE UNSURE 1987
Dear Diary
I am not one to pass judgement on anyone, god knows I've gone through lovers like a dose of salts so I have no room to talk but I heard today that Brian has left Chrissy and is moving in with his lover Anita Dobson.Apparently she is an actress in some programme about working class people in the East-end of London. I didn't even know London had an East-end.
I think I met her once at the party after the Wembley show last year. It was pheobe who had to tell me that I had met her mind you. I spent an hour and a half thinking I was talking to Brian in a cocktail dress. Still. Brian's a decent guy and I know he will be there for his kids when times get tough. Least said the better all round I think.
F.M.

31st JANUARY 1978
Dear Diary
Deaky came in to the studio this morning in what I have heard described as a nodad jersey. It was olive green with purple stars and had a v neck. I beleive they are called nodad jerseys because when children are told to wear them to school they scream 'No Dad!'
F.M.

2nd JANUARY 1984
Dear Diary
Saw Deaky today for the first time since we finished working on the last album. He is worried about the South African leg of our forthcoming tour and does not want to be thought of as a racist. He didn't actually say as much but that is the only reason I can think of for growing a fucking huge afro. So long as he cuts it before we shoot the Radio GaGa video.
F.M.

Radio Ga Ga video was shot in November 1983 ;-)))

Oh man, fatty, you top yourself EVERY time! I love it! How about Freddie's thoughts on the audience at the concert we all have from Montreal, the We Will Rock You one? And the photo shoots for the Sheer Heart Attack album?

This is so funny fatty... keep it up!!! :-)

Fatty do you have a job?

Just off to change my incontinence pants Fatty. Thanks

Nicki

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]fatty wrote: [/QUOTENAME]19th NOVEMBER 1991
To make matters worse, Roger came to visit me today and in the course of our conversation he mentioned his solo career. You can only imagine how shocked I was and it took all my skills as a stage performer to act as though I was aware of this. When he went home I had Pheobe look into this and it turns out he has released 2 solo albums and a further two albums as lead singer with another band. I had no bloody idea what he was talking about. Roger kept asking me which of his solo songs I liked best and I had to pretend to lapse into a coma to avoid answering him. I really will have to set a day aside and listen to them. In fact I think I'll make a note in my diary just now and keep that day free.
25th NOVEMBER 1991
Keep day free to listen to Roger's solo albums.
[/QUOTE]

OMG- that's one of the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life...
Keep'em coming!