Parky: My next guest, despite being born in Ireland and never having left until this very evening, claims to own a shop in the Blackhill area of Glasgow. For the past 10 years he has been fighting a losing battle against gangs of black homosexual Queen fans who have made his life a living hell. Please welcome Ted Smegma.
(the orchestra plays a reggae version of Bohemian Rhapsody as Ted walks down the stairs, dragging his knuckles behind him)
Parky: Nice to meet you.
Ted: YOU NEED TO COP THE FUCK ON PARKY. THIS IS ALL A FUCKING COP OUT AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FUCKING COFFEE.
Parky: Yes indeed. Can you tell us a little bit about the gangs of Que..
Ted: THEY NEED TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE. I AM NOT A RACIALIST BUT THE FUCKING PAKIS AND NIGGERS ARE JUST A FUCKING COP OUT. THEY NEED TO WAKE UP AND SMell the coff.......
(Ted is staring into the audience)
Ted: IS THAT A LADY?
(Ted is pointing at an old woman in the third row of the audience)
Ted: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM LADY
(Ted gets up, stands on the chair and starts to unzip himself. He then proceeds to masturbate furiously. 12 security men then pile on top of him before dragging him backstage.
Parky: My third and final guest this evening has been described among other things as a walking contradiction, a sad lonely little boy and a complete cunt.
Here to sing a song from an album that thankfully dosen't exist. Please welcome Jake Britt.
(the audience applaud politely as Jake takes centre stage)
OOOOOOOOOOH BABY
THE MAN IN THE MOON
HAS A GREAT BIG SPOON
UP IN THE SKY
REALLY REALLY HIGH
OOOOOOOH BABY
LA LA LA LA
SOMETIMES I GET SO LONELY
BUT I DONT CARE
IDE LIKE TO FEEL YOUR TITS
AND STROKE YOUR LONG BLONDE HAIR
OOOOOOH BABAY
WSTUSSYB IS A BASTARD
SO IS FUCKING FLASHMAN
I AM SO GREAT
I AM SO GREAT
I AM SO GREAT
ITS GREAT TO BE A MOTHERFUCKER
I AM A PRICK I KNOW
ITS SUNNY IN THE DESERT
BUT AT THE NORTH POLE THERE IS LOTS OF SNOW
LA LA LA LA
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
Jake: thank you
(The audience are staring at Jake and there is an uncomfortable silence)
Parky: Thank you Jake that was...er....um....well it was unusual to say the least.
Jake: I don't care what anyone else thinks. I wrote it for my friends.
Parky: And what do they think of it?
Jake: I don't care what they think. I wrote it so people could get to know me better.
Parky: Ah now you see, you just contradicted yourself there Jake and that's what I'd like to talk about if I may. In your Autobiography 'PAY ATTENTION TO ME' you state on several occasions that you have contemplated suicide in the past.
Jake: When did I say that? I have never said that I would kill myself.
Parky: But it's here in your book. It's in black and white.
Jake: Where? Where does it say that?
Parky: It's right here on page 1. Again on page 3. And agin on pages 5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,25,27,29,31 and 33.
Jake: Yes but if you had read the book properly you will have noticed that on pages 2,4,6,8,10,12,14,16,18,20,22,24,26,28,30 and 32 I go on at great length about how fantastic I am and how I have so much to live for.
Parky: Yes indeed. You also state in your book that you lost your virginity at the age of six.
Jake: Yes that is correct.
Parky: Can you tell us about that
Jake: Well my mother used to work in a womens prison.
Parky: Really? What did she do?
Jake: Sewing mailbags, making brushes that sort of thing. Anyway I was staying with my grandparents while she was at work for the next 3 years and it was while I was there that I had sex for the first time.
Parky: What did your grandparents have to say about that? were they aware that you were having sexual relationships at such a young age?
Jake: My grandmother was prett
Thread
Posts in chronological order
ARE YOU JAKE BRITT?
With over 700 usernames to choose from it can be difficult to remember who the fuck you really are. You could be sitting at home right now thinking "Oh no, I could be Jake".
Well fear not. By taking this simple test you determine whether or not you are a complete twat by answering ten simple questions and totting up your score at the end.
1. Which of the following best describes your looks?
A. Whilst you may not make the cover of Cosmo, you take a pride in your appearance. When you go out at weekends you can be confident that there is at least ten or twelve people in the bar uglier than you.
B. So you're no oil painting. Looks aren't everything you know. You can be sure that your personality makes up for not looking like Bradd Pitt.
C. You look as if someone has been kneeling on your belly button and setting about your face with a hammer for a fortnight.
2. Which of the following best describes your parents?
A. An old fasioned pair of squares. They don't like the music you listen to and the clothes you wear. Deep down though, they love you and you love them.
B. They are the coolest parents in the world. They never hassle you with where are you goings and where have you beens.
There are ground rules however and you know there is a line you shouldn't cross.
C.Your mother sells her arse to seafaring gentlemen to supplement her drink problem and you have no idea who your father is.
3. When was the last time you saw the girl of your dreams?
A. A few hours ago
B. A few days ago
c. At the court hearing when she filed a restraining order against you.
4. You are having a photo taken to put on your website. What kind of image are you trying to project and what do you wear in the photo?
A. A smart and intelligent go-getter? Best wear a suit and tie
B. Casual and laid back? Jeans and T-shirt will do fine.
C. Mentally unbalanced transvestite? A green dress, eyeshadow and lipstick works every time.
5. Have you ever contemplated suicide?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.
6. If you could own the car of your dreams, what kind of vehicle would you go for?
A. A fast and flashy sportscar.
B. Something economic and reliable.
C. A fucking big tractor.
7. Which of the following best describes your sex life.
A. You have had several sexual prtners over the past few years but you are looking for someone to settle down with.
B. You avoid casual sex as much as possible and prefer to be in a stable relationship before you sleep with someone.
C. You are hideously unnatractive to women and will remain a virgin until the day you die. You compensate for this by making up stories about popping your cherry at six years old. How fucking sad are you?
8. Which of the following best describes the last social event you attended.
A. A black tie affair with valet parking, cocktail waitresses and dancing.
B. An informal gathering of friends at a bar or party at someones home.
C. A day at the duckpond, tied to your classmates around the waist so you don't get lost.
9. You consider yourself to be a talented singer/songwriter. Which of the following best describes your plan of action?
A. Get together with a group of talented musicians, record some of your material and send off demos to record companies. Even if you don't get signed up it's still great fun.
B. Keep the material to yourself. You don't crave fame or fortune, prefering to strum along on your guitar for your own pleasure.
C. Pretend to be in a band already. Even go so far as to mock up album covers using the same badly taken photographs over and over agin. Then blow the whole story by posting your badly written ramblings on a public notice board for all the world to see.
10. Which of the following best describes your circle of friends?
A. A select few who you depend on and who you know will stick with you through thick and thin, good times and bad.
B. A large
With over 700 usernames to choose from it can be difficult to remember who the fuck you really are. You could be sitting at home right now thinking "Oh no, I could be Jake".
Well fear not. By taking this simple test you determine whether or not you are a complete twat by answering ten simple questions and totting up your score at the end.
1. Which of the following best describes your looks?
A. Whilst you may not make the cover of Cosmo, you take a pride in your appearance. When you go out at weekends you can be confident that there is at least ten or twelve people in the bar uglier than you.
B. So you're no oil painting. Looks aren't everything you know. You can be sure that your personality makes up for not looking like Bradd Pitt.
C. You look as if someone has been kneeling on your belly button and setting about your face with a hammer for a fortnight.
2. Which of the following best describes your parents?
A. An old fasioned pair of squares. They don't like the music you listen to and the clothes you wear. Deep down though, they love you and you love them.
B. They are the coolest parents in the world. They never hassle you with where are you goings and where have you beens.
There are ground rules however and you know there is a line you shouldn't cross.
C.Your mother sells her arse to seafaring gentlemen to supplement her drink problem and you have no idea who your father is.
3. When was the last time you saw the girl of your dreams?
A. A few hours ago
B. A few days ago
c. At the court hearing when she filed a restraining order against you.
4. You are having a photo taken to put on your website. What kind of image are you trying to project and what do you wear in the photo?
A. A smart and intelligent go-getter? Best wear a suit and tie
B. Casual and laid back? Jeans and T-shirt will do fine.
C. Mentally unbalanced transvestite? A green dress, eyeshadow and lipstick works every time.
5. Have you ever contemplated suicide?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.
6. If you could own the car of your dreams, what kind of vehicle would you go for?
A. A fast and flashy sportscar.
B. Something economic and reliable.
C. A fucking big tractor.
7. Which of the following best describes your sex life.
A. You have had several sexual prtners over the past few years but you are looking for someone to settle down with.
B. You avoid casual sex as much as possible and prefer to be in a stable relationship before you sleep with someone.
C. You are hideously unnatractive to women and will remain a virgin until the day you die. You compensate for this by making up stories about popping your cherry at six years old. How fucking sad are you?
8. Which of the following best describes the last social event you attended.
A. A black tie affair with valet parking, cocktail waitresses and dancing.
B. An informal gathering of friends at a bar or party at someones home.
C. A day at the duckpond, tied to your classmates around the waist so you don't get lost.
9. You consider yourself to be a talented singer/songwriter. Which of the following best describes your plan of action?
A. Get together with a group of talented musicians, record some of your material and send off demos to record companies. Even if you don't get signed up it's still great fun.
B. Keep the material to yourself. You don't crave fame or fortune, prefering to strum along on your guitar for your own pleasure.
C. Pretend to be in a band already. Even go so far as to mock up album covers using the same badly taken photographs over and over agin. Then blow the whole story by posting your badly written ramblings on a public notice board for all the world to see.
10. Which of the following best describes your circle of friends?
A. A select few who you depend on and who you know will stick with you through thick and thin, good times and bad.
B. A large
JAKE'S DIARY
February 5th 2003
Woke up this morning and the bed was bone dry. That's three days in a row. Mommy says if I can make it a week she will take the rubber sheets off.
The big yellow bus that takes me to the day care centre, didn't come today so I had to walk. By the time I got there I was late for basket weaving.
In the afternoon we made Valentines cards out of cardboard, elbow macaroni and sprinkles. I am giving my card to my Mommy, because I have just broken up with my girlfriend.
We were moving in different directions. I had to take lawnmower lessons and she had to go for her pre-school booster shots. The court injunction her parents took out on me didn't help either.
I am going of to record a couple of tracks with my band now so I will stop writing.
February 6th 2003
Woke up this morning and after changing the bedclothes I went down for breakfast.
I was just biting into my fourth cheeseburger when Mommy asked me why I spent four hours hiding in a bush at the bottom of the garden last night.
I told her it wasn't me and that I was in the recording studio all last night but she didn't believe me. Tonight I will have to hide in next door's garden.
February 14th 2003
Woke up this morning with a sore back, Mommy says I will have to keep sleeping in the bath until I learn to control my bladder. I got lots of Valentines cards this morning. There were cards from Bolensdriver, Willy Features, Only Bijou, Bolansdriver, Scandals, ScAnDals, King Of Queen and Chris Bingo.
Mommy started crying.
At the day care centre they have a new computer with internet access.
Mr Peterson says if I can go a whole day without telling lies I can have a shot.
May 5th 2003
I came out of the coma today and Mommy has tied pillows to the corners of all the furniture in the house.
Mr Peterson says that as I have been clinically dead for the past three weeks and unable to tell lies I can have a shot of the internet. I am going to find a message board about a rock group and pretend I like them.
That way I can make up stories about how great I am, and nobody will realise that I am a sad and lonley individual.
June 1st 2003
Still working on making friends. I just can't figure out where I am going wrong.
February 5th 2003
Woke up this morning and the bed was bone dry. That's three days in a row. Mommy says if I can make it a week she will take the rubber sheets off.
The big yellow bus that takes me to the day care centre, didn't come today so I had to walk. By the time I got there I was late for basket weaving.
In the afternoon we made Valentines cards out of cardboard, elbow macaroni and sprinkles. I am giving my card to my Mommy, because I have just broken up with my girlfriend.
We were moving in different directions. I had to take lawnmower lessons and she had to go for her pre-school booster shots. The court injunction her parents took out on me didn't help either.
I am going of to record a couple of tracks with my band now so I will stop writing.
February 6th 2003
Woke up this morning and after changing the bedclothes I went down for breakfast.
I was just biting into my fourth cheeseburger when Mommy asked me why I spent four hours hiding in a bush at the bottom of the garden last night.
I told her it wasn't me and that I was in the recording studio all last night but she didn't believe me. Tonight I will have to hide in next door's garden.
February 14th 2003
Woke up this morning with a sore back, Mommy says I will have to keep sleeping in the bath until I learn to control my bladder. I got lots of Valentines cards this morning. There were cards from Bolensdriver, Willy Features, Only Bijou, Bolansdriver, Scandals, ScAnDals, King Of Queen and Chris Bingo.
Mommy started crying.
At the day care centre they have a new computer with internet access.
Mr Peterson says if I can go a whole day without telling lies I can have a shot.
May 5th 2003
I came out of the coma today and Mommy has tied pillows to the corners of all the furniture in the house.
Mr Peterson says that as I have been clinically dead for the past three weeks and unable to tell lies I can have a shot of the internet. I am going to find a message board about a rock group and pretend I like them.
That way I can make up stories about how great I am, and nobody will realise that I am a sad and lonley individual.
June 1st 2003
Still working on making friends. I just can't figure out where I am going wrong.
THE BALLAD OF JAKE BRITT
Come gather round you Zoners listen to my tale of woe.
This song's about a boy called Jake, who some of you might know.
Born with a face like a gibbon's ass,
and his breath it smelled like shit.
His Mommy took one look and said "Let's call the cunt Jake Britt."
Well Jake was an ugly baby, least that's what the townsfolks said.
The Sherrif asked his mother if she'd smacked him round the head.
His Mom said "Don't be silly."
And it broke her poor old heart
How the fuck was she supposed to tell his head and ass apart.
Jake grew up on the family farm, feedin cows and pigs
Till the Humane Society found them dressed in ball gowns, pearls and wigs.
They told him sex with animals,
Was a sinful thing to do.
And although it was never proved in court, he fucked the chickens too.
When Jake was only six years old he got himself a girl.
She was young and she was pretty with a headful of golden curls.
And Jake knew that to have sex with her,
was mighty sinful thing
Not because she was underage, but because she had died last spring.
Every night when the moon came up, so did Mary Jane.
He'd have his wicked way with her then bury her again.
And just as quick as they had started,
Jake cancelled all their dates
When some do-gooding bastard went and locked the cemetry gates.
Jake was all alone again with nothing much to do.
With all that free time on his hands, his balls were black and blue.
"I need myself a hobby,"
"For the sake of my right hand."
Young Jake he had a swell idea and started up a band.
With Santa Clause on lead guitar, the tooth fairy on bass
The Easter Bunny played the drums, while Jake was the band's face
They did a tour of Brigadoon and Never Never Land
And everyone inside Jake's head was a big fan of the band.
Well it's a crazy life is Rock'n'Roll and now the band has split.
It was a cross between artistic differances and the fact that they were shit.
And with all his dreams in tatters,
and with no place left to hide.
Jake's only option left was to commit suicide.
He swallowed some pills and then he passed out on the bed,
They were Viagra and rigor mortis set in before the cunt was dead.
At the hospital, they pumped his guts
and sent the bugger home
Those meddlin fuckin doctors couldn't leave well enough alone.
So now Jake's here at Queenzone and so are all his friends
Scandal, Bolens, Buterhook the list it never ends.
And he keeps us entertained with his bullshit and his lies
That's not to say we'd be upset if the stinking fuckwit dies.
Come gather round you Zoners listen to my tale of woe.
This song's about a boy called Jake, who some of you might know.
Born with a face like a gibbon's ass,
and his breath it smelled like shit.
His Mommy took one look and said "Let's call the cunt Jake Britt."
Well Jake was an ugly baby, least that's what the townsfolks said.
The Sherrif asked his mother if she'd smacked him round the head.
His Mom said "Don't be silly."
And it broke her poor old heart
How the fuck was she supposed to tell his head and ass apart.
Jake grew up on the family farm, feedin cows and pigs
Till the Humane Society found them dressed in ball gowns, pearls and wigs.
They told him sex with animals,
Was a sinful thing to do.
And although it was never proved in court, he fucked the chickens too.
When Jake was only six years old he got himself a girl.
She was young and she was pretty with a headful of golden curls.
And Jake knew that to have sex with her,
was mighty sinful thing
Not because she was underage, but because she had died last spring.
Every night when the moon came up, so did Mary Jane.
He'd have his wicked way with her then bury her again.
And just as quick as they had started,
Jake cancelled all their dates
When some do-gooding bastard went and locked the cemetry gates.
Jake was all alone again with nothing much to do.
With all that free time on his hands, his balls were black and blue.
"I need myself a hobby,"
"For the sake of my right hand."
Young Jake he had a swell idea and started up a band.
With Santa Clause on lead guitar, the tooth fairy on bass
The Easter Bunny played the drums, while Jake was the band's face
They did a tour of Brigadoon and Never Never Land
And everyone inside Jake's head was a big fan of the band.
Well it's a crazy life is Rock'n'Roll and now the band has split.
It was a cross between artistic differances and the fact that they were shit.
And with all his dreams in tatters,
and with no place left to hide.
Jake's only option left was to commit suicide.
He swallowed some pills and then he passed out on the bed,
They were Viagra and rigor mortis set in before the cunt was dead.
At the hospital, they pumped his guts
and sent the bugger home
Those meddlin fuckin doctors couldn't leave well enough alone.
So now Jake's here at Queenzone and so are all his friends
Scandal, Bolens, Buterhook the list it never ends.
And he keeps us entertained with his bullshit and his lies
That's not to say we'd be upset if the stinking fuckwit dies.
lol love some of this shit
I loved that last one! Classic as always.
Those were good times...it's a mark of how shite things are now that I'm saying that now.
Those were good times...it's a mark of how shite things are now that I'm saying that now.
LOL very funny, fatty. If one didnt know any better one would say you were an author.......
I joined in the middle of the "Jake Wars" and at first i felt bad for him until some people told me what was going on. Why wont the moditers ban him? I thought that was the reason for having them. Oh Well life goes on.
Apparently only the administrators can ban people. The moderators can remove the posts, but not the posters.
Just thought you here at Queenzone would like to know that Jake was banned by Delilah this evening/morning...for good! Good riddance I say!
Honey Taylor
Honey Taylor
Just thought you here at Queenzone would like to know that Jake was banned by Delilah this evening/morning...for good! Good riddance I say!
Honey Taylor
What for? I didn't even know he was up to no good.
What was it that got him banned?
Being a prat, I guess.
You just had to go out on that limb, didn't you.
Yes?
You won't shout as I fiddle about.