A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"
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A woman with no arms has just won a strawberry picking contest. Jammy twat.
hehe, very funny. I'll try and think of one.
Hehehe...lol!! Great!
Hehehe...lol!! Great!
Tought cookie, aren't ya? :-)
lol
Whats brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!!!
Dung!!!
An oldie but a goodie Jack!!
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out , and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed
to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however,
was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out , and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed
to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however,
was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Oh, I just saw what I wrote dowm...I wanted to tell Linda she was a tought cookie.
A person walks into a bar. What does that person say?
Ouch!
Ouch!
An oldie but a goodie Jack!!
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out , and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed
to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however,
was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
loooooooooool
An oldie but a goodie Jack!!
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out , and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed
to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however,
was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Lol!!!
A bit dirty, but I'm sure you all can handle it.
A man walks into a bar unwinding from a hard day at work. He sits down and orders a beer and notices a tip jar filled to the brim with $5 dollar bills. He asks the bartender 'what's up with all those fives?'
'Well, it's a contest. You put $5 in the jar and you knock out the bouncer in one hit, go in the door over there and pull out a rabid dog's aching tooth, and finally into the next room and have sex with the ugliest woman in that room. You win all the money in the jar if you can do it all.'
The guy at the bar shakes his head and laughs at the idea. He has a few beers too many. He's eventually drunk and suddenly says 'You know what? Screw it!' he slams a five on the counter. He grabs a bar stool and smacks the bouncer's head in, knocking him cold. He tears into the room with the rabid dog. The whole bar hears sounds of a struggle, ripping, screaming, and whimpering. The guy limps out of the room torn and bleeding and bruised. He looks to have put up a good fight.
"OK so where's the ugly woman with the aching tooth?"
:-D
A man walks into a bar unwinding from a hard day at work. He sits down and orders a beer and notices a tip jar filled to the brim with $5 dollar bills. He asks the bartender 'what's up with all those fives?'
'Well, it's a contest. You put $5 in the jar and you knock out the bouncer in one hit, go in the door over there and pull out a rabid dog's aching tooth, and finally into the next room and have sex with the ugliest woman in that room. You win all the money in the jar if you can do it all.'
The guy at the bar shakes his head and laughs at the idea. He has a few beers too many. He's eventually drunk and suddenly says 'You know what? Screw it!' he slams a five on the counter. He grabs a bar stool and smacks the bouncer's head in, knocking him cold. He tears into the room with the rabid dog. The whole bar hears sounds of a struggle, ripping, screaming, and whimpering. The guy limps out of the room torn and bleeding and bruised. He looks to have put up a good fight.
"OK so where's the ugly woman with the aching tooth?"
:-D
10 1st PLACE WINNERS OF THE INTERNATIONAL PUN CONTEST
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him & says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other & says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak & heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel & were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office & asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins & gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt & is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back & begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest & most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars & trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, & with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him & says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other & says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak & heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel & were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office & asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins & gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt & is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back & begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest & most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars & trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, & with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Heres some British sports commentators' clangers...
And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"We can't tell you the result, but the winning goal from Niall Quinn was
his 14th of the season." (Jim Rosenthal)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)
And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"We can't tell you the result, but the winning goal from Niall Quinn was
his 14th of the season." (Jim Rosenthal)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)