The newest limerick thread

I once had a pet name Matt.
who was actually a real cat.
I was pretty sure,
that he had a lot of fur.
I'm just glad he wasn't a bat.

there was an old farmer called Tucker
whose hen was a persistent clucker
til one day he screamed HECK!!!
and wrung the bird's neck
then sighed - 'ah well, that stopped the fucker'

Tom Cruise when playing Ethan Hunt
Preferred to do his own stunt
til he fell on his arse
amid some broken glass
and exclaimed 'now i feel such a c*nt'

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the poor Bishop has piles?"

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Music Man wrote: [/QUOTENAME]SHOWALTER: Do you know any Irish limericks?

BLACK: I do, it goes like this:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose rod was so long that he could get ball deep in that
And he'd be all, like, in it, and she'd be like, "Oh baby, don't stop, don't stop! That's my spot, that's my spot! Oh, but be careful because I'm ovulating!"
And then he'd be like, "It's okay, baby, don't worry, because I use the rhythm method!"
And then he shot his junk.[/QUOTE]
oh dear that's very clever!

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Bob The Shrek wrote: [/QUOTENAME]There was an old man from Calcutta
Who was found lying dead in a gutter
The heat from the sun
Burned a hole in his bum
And melted his bollocks like butter.

[/QUOTE]
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutter
At dinner he said
"Please pass the b-bread
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter!"

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Bob The Shrek wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Once when at the Queen's for tea
She asked 'Do you burp when you pee?'
I replied (with some wit)
'Do you fart when you shit?'
And felt it was one up to me.[/QUOTE]
I'm so happy you decided to reply dear you're always the best at limericks!