Hi all,anyone got any jokes or funny stories??I need a laugh coz I feel crap today=(
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Posts in chronological order
I only know old, crap ones about Michael Jackson which you probably know but here it is anyway...
When do you know its playtime at Neverland?
-When the big hand touches the little hand
(lol sounds dodgy i know!)
When do you know its playtime at Neverland?
-When the big hand touches the little hand
(lol sounds dodgy i know!)
Here is my kind of funny episode.
Once I ordered a shrimp-fillet-o-burger at a McDonald shop nearby. Soon after I received my package bag, I opened the bag and I made sure what I received was truly what I ordered by the package paper wrapping the burger. Because I know this shop sometimes makes mistakes. I was relieved to see the wrapping paper showing a shrimp-fillet-o-burger. Soon I went home and opened it. Hmm, it really looked a shrimp-fillet-o-burger, even I opened its wrapping paper, so I bit it without doubt aaand "OMG! What's this?! It can't be!" I was so much surprized. Because the fillet which I bit was chicken! The fillet which was put into was NOT shrimp at all!
"There! They did it again in a new way! I can't believe it!"
Once I ordered a shrimp-fillet-o-burger at a McDonald shop nearby. Soon after I received my package bag, I opened the bag and I made sure what I received was truly what I ordered by the package paper wrapping the burger. Because I know this shop sometimes makes mistakes. I was relieved to see the wrapping paper showing a shrimp-fillet-o-burger. Soon I went home and opened it. Hmm, it really looked a shrimp-fillet-o-burger, even I opened its wrapping paper, so I bit it without doubt aaand "OMG! What's this?! It can't be!" I was so much surprized. Because the fillet which I bit was chicken! The fillet which was put into was NOT shrimp at all!
"There! They did it again in a new way! I can't believe it!"
Psychiatrist phone
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
lol
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
lol
Haha! That's brilliant Flash!
Hahahaha Flash! thats GREAT :D
lol
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]<font color=red>Sasha wrote: [/QUOTENAME]This is my signature joke...
How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?
The Taste!
*rim shot*[/QUOTE]
ewwww
How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?
The Taste!
*rim shot*[/QUOTE]
ewwww
A Scotsman is trapped in a room with a man-eating tiger, a poisonous snake and an Englishman. He has a gun with two bullets in it. What does he do?
He shoots the Englishman with the first bullet, then shoots him again with the second, just to make sure.
He shoots the Englishman with the first bullet, then shoots him again with the second, just to make sure.
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Munchsack wrote: [/QUOTENAME]
A Scotsman is trapped in a room with a man-eating tiger, a poisonous snake and an Englishman. He has a gun with two bullets in it. What does he do?
He shoots the Englishman with the first bullet, then shoots him again with the second, just to make sure.[/QUOTE]
LOl I like that one lol
A Scotsman is trapped in a room with a man-eating tiger, a poisonous snake and an Englishman. He has a gun with two bullets in it. What does he do?
He shoots the Englishman with the first bullet, then shoots him again with the second, just to make sure.[/QUOTE]
LOl I like that one lol
The really sad thing is it's probably true.
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]<font color=red>Flash! wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Psychiatrist phone
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
lol[/QUOTE]
LOL!
I LOVE that one! ;)
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
lol[/QUOTE]
LOL!
I LOVE that one! ;)
A young man goes to visit his uncle,who lives on the outskirts of town.
They sit down to breakfast,and the young man observes that the plates are not very clean. He questions his uncle,only to be told,"They're as clean as cold water can get them."
When they finish eating,the dishes are taken to the kitchen to be cleaned. Later, when the young man comes in for lunch,he notices what appears to be bits of dried egg from breakfast still on the plates. He questions his uncle again about the plates. "Look,I told you,they're as clean as cold water can get them,now just eat."
Naturally,for dinner,the young man decided to go out. When he attempted to go outside,however,his uncle's dog was barking quite ferociously and would not let him pass. He called to his uncle,"The dog won't let me out."
His uncle called out to the dog,"Cold Water,get your bum out of the way!" lol ;)
They sit down to breakfast,and the young man observes that the plates are not very clean. He questions his uncle,only to be told,"They're as clean as cold water can get them."
When they finish eating,the dishes are taken to the kitchen to be cleaned. Later, when the young man comes in for lunch,he notices what appears to be bits of dried egg from breakfast still on the plates. He questions his uncle again about the plates. "Look,I told you,they're as clean as cold water can get them,now just eat."
Naturally,for dinner,the young man decided to go out. When he attempted to go outside,however,his uncle's dog was barking quite ferociously and would not let him pass. He called to his uncle,"The dog won't let me out."
His uncle called out to the dog,"Cold Water,get your bum out of the way!" lol ;)
some comparison jokes
What does Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
40 year old meat in 8 year old buns.
What does a vending machine and Monica Lewinski have in common?
They both say "insert Bill here"
What does Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
40 year old meat in 8 year old buns.
What does a vending machine and Monica Lewinski have in common?
They both say "insert Bill here"
what does michael jackson and jesus have in common?
(singing) Jesus loves the little children
(singing) Jesus loves the little children