[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]KensingtonLove(Dharankanawala) wrote: [/QUOTENAME]
A young man goes to visit his uncle,who lives on the outskirts of town.
They sit down to breakfast,and the young man observes that the plates are not very clean. He questions his uncle,only to be told,"They're as clean as cold water can get them."
When they finish eating,the dishes are taken to the kitchen to be cleaned. Later, when the young man comes in for lunch,he notices what appears to be bits of dried egg from breakfast still on the plates. He questions his uncle again about the plates. "Look,I told you,they're as clean as cold water can get them,now just eat."
Naturally,for dinner,the young man decided to go out. When he attempted to go outside,however,his uncle's dog was barking quite ferociously and would not let him pass. He called to his uncle,"The dog won't let me out."
His uncle called out to the dog,"Cold Water,get your bum out of the way!" lol ;)
[/QUOTE]
nice
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[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]<font color=red>Sasha wrote: [/QUOTENAME]What's black and white and can't get through the door?
A Zebra with a spear through it's head.[/QUOTE]
LOL
A Zebra with a spear through it's head.[/QUOTE]
LOL
Here's one from coach-
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks,
Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls..no point in you coming."
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks,
Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls..no point in you coming."
Another-
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!
PIERRE THE PILOT
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breast.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,PIERRE,WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breast.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,PIERRE,WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"