Good joke History Girl.
Outta interest are you scottish?
Thread
Posts in chronological order
SEX IN THE JUNGLE
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
PRIESTS CONFESS THEIR SINS
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
SMART IRISHMAN
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
I HAVE ONE TOO
BIP BAP BULLET
MY MOTHER IS A BIRD
MY FATHER IS SATAN
THATS WHERE I"M THE CHILD OF
BIP BAP BULLET
MY MOTHER IS A BIRD
MY FATHER IS SATAN
THATS WHERE I"M THE CHILD OF
ive always wanted a penis like a coloured man so i dangled a big jar of goose fat from it tied to a long piece of string.it worked too,my penis went black...
a penis is called a tetter or trumpet
Why did Oscar Wilde's and Julia Child's son get sent to prison?
He was too much of a Wilde Child. :O
Why did the police have to stop the grapes' party on the beach?
They were raisin hell.
Soooo corny. xD
He was too much of a Wilde Child. :O
Why did the police have to stop the grapes' party on the beach?
They were raisin hell.
Soooo corny. xD
Here is a sad one my cousins husband told me:
Two men walk into a bar
Ouch - it was a metal bar!
Oh dear... I really should run now...
Two men walk into a bar
Ouch - it was a metal bar!
Oh dear... I really should run now...
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]<font color=0099FF>Killer Queenie wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Here is a sad one my cousins husband told me:
Two men walk into a bar
Ouch - it was a metal bar!
Oh dear... I really should run now...[/QUOTE]
my ex boyfriend told me that...are you my ex boyfriend? lol!
i had a joke but i forgot...
Two men walk into a bar
Ouch - it was a metal bar!
Oh dear... I really should run now...[/QUOTE]
my ex boyfriend told me that...are you my ex boyfriend? lol!
i had a joke but i forgot...
^^ whoops. ur a girl. sorry... lol!!
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]TETTERETET wrote: [/QUOTENAME]I HAVE ONE TOO
BIP BAP BULLET
MY MOTHER IS A BIRD
MY FATHER IS SATAN
THATS WHERE I"M THE CHILD OF[/QUOTE]
What...
The...
Hell...?
BIP BAP BULLET
MY MOTHER IS A BIRD
MY FATHER IS SATAN
THATS WHERE I"M THE CHILD OF[/QUOTE]
What...
The...
Hell...?
My great grandad told me this one:
What makes a hormone?
When they don't get paid!
What makes a hormone?
When they don't get paid!
what do you call a buncha white guys running down a hill?
An Avalanche.
what do you call a buncha black guys running down a hill?
Mudslide.
what do you call a buncha Mexicans running down a hill?
Jailbreak.
An Avalanche.
what do you call a buncha black guys running down a hill?
Mudslide.
what do you call a buncha Mexicans running down a hill?
Jailbreak.
It's a few minutes before Sunday service.
Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church.
Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate.
Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is.
He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him.
Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies: "Yep, sure do."
"Aren’t you afraid?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't," says the old man.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan.
"Don’t doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?"
"No."
Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years!"
Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church.
Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate.
Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is.
He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him.
Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies: "Yep, sure do."
"Aren’t you afraid?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't," says the old man.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan.
"Don’t doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?"
"No."
Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years!"