Bob The Shrek's Undertaker Tales

In the recent 'Horror Movies' topic, our resident qualified Funeral Director and potential QZ HallOfFamer, Bob T. Shrek waxed lyrical about his former career in the undertaking game.

His tales went down a storm here at The Towers. Indeed, I have passed some of them off as my own when in the company of ladies and it's bagged me a couple of lovely fillies this week, so they get the Flashman Seal Of Approval.
I thought they deserved a topic of their own and hopefully with some encouragement, might entice ol' Bob to add a couple more.

May I also add that this has been done entirely without Bob's leave, so I hope he forgives me. But if not, I want a deep magenta lining, genuine English Oak with REAL brass handles. And put a sock down my front, won't you? Wear gloves, though.

TAKE IT AWAY, MR. BOB THE SHREK...


"Once you've pulled a bloke out of a canal after a boat propeller has taken the top of his head off, picked up a bloke who has been dead on the toilet for 3 months and infested with maggots, picked up a woman who was burnt to death, picked up a bloke who jumped off a motorway bridge and hit by 6 cars before he touched the road, picked up a bloke who emptied both barrels of a shotgun through his head and numerous other lovely sights - horror movies are a bit tame!

The 3 main types of coffin I sold were: a light wood veneer chipboard, mahogany and oak. The veneer was the most popular because it was the cheapest - afterall, all you are going to do is burn it or chuck it in the ground. The handles were bronzed - which means they were plastic, sprayed to look like bronze, and couldn't be used to carry the coffin. This was so that they would melt in a cremator.

All coffins came with pale blue linings for men, pink for the ladies and white for children.
The worst case scenario I had for a funeral was a bloke who had no legs and still weighed 462lbs - his son ordered an oak coffin, which is a heavy bastard for a normal sized adult. Because of his weight, the coffin had to be specially made and looked like the flight deck of a small aircraft carrier - it took 8 of us to carry it on our shoulders and even then we struggled.

The only time we used lined coffins is for transportation abroad - and that is because it is a legal requirement. Why people would worry about worms is beyond me - they are dead!
You'd be suprised at how many complaints we had by family members, when they went to view their nearest and dearest, that we had got the hair/make up wrong - totally ignoring the fact that we didn't have a clue what they looked like when they were alive!
Rather than doing the make up, have a go at actually undertaking and perfect the art of taking the piss out of the mourners without them knowing - great fun ;-) "

I think that's a great idea. Flashy, you forgot the quote where he said, after you remarked about his being put off pizza, that pizza wasn't really an issue but spaghetti bolognese was. Mint.
C'mon Bob, delve into the realms of your undertaker's memory and fish out those bodies from canals etc!
The grosser the better!

Is it true that undertakers have to remove pacemakers before the body is cremated?

fatty.

Absofuckinglutely, Fatty - those buggers explode!

Potential QZ Hall of Famer, huh? - then I will have to think of something special - maybe a couple of victims of the Herald Of Free Enterprise or maybe the nutter who blew his head off (literally).

The only problem is the risk of upsetting someone who has recently lost a loved one - but I am immune to it so I will carry on anyway.

Just mention a way of dying and I will recount a job I have done - if I haven't done it, I will make it so plausible that you would think I had ;-)

My uncle passed away a few weeks ago and it would comfort me to beleive that the undertakers, while preparing him for his final journey, slapped that stupid fucking face of his four or five times before nailing the lid down.

On a lighter note, what kind of explosion do these pacemakers cause? Are we talking fireworks, C4 or hydrogen bombs?
I'd love to be at a funeral where they forgot to remove the pacemaker. I just want to know how far I have to sit from the front.

fatty.

PS. Welcome to the hall of fame Bob. I was the first inductee and I am still waiting for my scroll, medal and substantial cash prize. Flashy has assured me it's in the post and I truly beleive that he's the kind of guy you can trust.

Rest assured that if your Uncle had a big nose, or the undertaker made the sawdust pillow a bit too big, they would have sat on the coffin lid and broken his hooter - or squashed his head to make the lid fit properly.

I haven't seen a pacemaker go up but I believe it starts as a roman candle and builds up to a small C4 explosion. Those sitting in the chapel should be okay but anyone near the cremator has about enough time to shit themselves before being hit by 1000 degrees of hot air.

To be fair, I am only a potential inductee - but if I mention that it's difficult to pick up a body that's lost it's head and arms and that the only way to get a good grip is to put your hand down the neck and grab the ribcage - I reckon that will get me in!!!!!

ps Also, I could do all this without losing sleep, having nightmares, never gave a fuck and never put me off a greasy bacon sarnie, cup of tea or a fresh cream cake.

Wow! Did you ever actually stick YOUR hand down the neck hole to pick someone up?! Or have you just heard stories? '_'

Ooh, carbon monoxiding oneself?

What about a shotty to the head?

Or listening to William Hung?

Time to ask the question everyone is thinking but are too polite to ask:

Any tales of necrophilia? Not casting aspersions on your good self of course Bob, but there are some strange folk out there.

What about an unfortunate mishap with a chainsaw?
And just what does a body look like when it's been in the water for several days? (I seem to recall a description from somewhere about a raisin with four fat legs but I'll leave it to your expertise.)

Carbon Monoxide - I did a woman who ran a pipe from her car exhaust. I can remember the sooty deposits on the inside of the car windows, on her body and a large lump of congealed snot & blood hanging from her nose. She'd had some tablets and booze to help her on her way, if I recall.

Shooting - did a bloke who emptied both barrels of a shotgun through his mouth. Took the top and back of his head off and splattered the walls and ceiling with blood and brains. We were responsible for the removal of the body, so it was down to the family to clear up the mess on the ceiling and walls! Never do more than you have to - LOL.

Necrophilia - I used to do it until some rotten cunt split on me - old joke. Heard stories of some individuals who 'apparently' indulged but no, I never wanted to find out. There was a mortuary attendant in the Greater London area who had a suitcase full of photo's of nurses at a hospital, in various states of undress.

Bodies in the sea - I had to pick up a couple who had drowned in the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster. They had been in the water for less than 24 hours but they were still in a state. Bloated, greenish in colour and various sea creatures had had a free meal off of them. Their faces had been half eaten away and there were several places on the body that had been attacked too. I can even remember their names still.

Yeah, what about work shop accidents? They're always good for a laugh.

C'mon.. I've seen my old mans' Police Journals and workshop homicide just happens to be very interesting.

Is it true that a corpse can sit up?

If you mean rigor mortis setting in and making the corpse sit up, then no, that doesn't happen. However, when a body is cremated, the heat will momentarily hit the muscles and the body will appear to move, start to sit up because the heat makes the muscles contract - but it is over in less than a second. Did you know, by English Law, 4 members of the family can watch the cremation if they request to do so.

I am desperately trying to think of a workplace death I attended but I can't think of one. I did a suicide at a train station but I don't know if it was an employee or not - probably wasn't.

Dan - it was my brother who had to stick his hand down a body's neck and hold onto the ribs, to pick it up.

Eeeeewwww...

By the way, Can I be a Shrek? I'm fat and I'm ugly! Get back to me on that.