Bob The Shrek's Undertaker Tales

I've had something similar following dodgy curries.

Never heard of bodies exploding after being in the water for a while but I will check with my brother to see if he has heard of anything.

Talking of curries, I did a road traffic accident somewhere in Berkshire, can't remember the town name but I remember the road layout, where a Saab had taken a hump back bridge at speed, lost control and crashed into a lamp post (streetlight for the Americans). There was muck all inside the car and initially we thought they had either shit themselves or the bodies of the 2 victims had burst open on impact. Turned out that they were returning home after collecting a curry from the local take away.

As a side note, I was going to write a book about the things me, my brother and brother-in-law had seen and done whilst undertaking. I even had a name sorted - The Lighter Side of Death - and recount the funnier, more peculiar jobs we attended. The trouble is, my memory is lousy and it just isn't as funny when you write it, compared to actually telling a story - not that it would ever have made the Times bestsellers list!

One of the incidents that reminds me of spaghetti bolognese happened in Hayes, Middlesex (near Heathrow Airport).

As you drive into Hayes town centre there is a bridge over the railway, the station is on the bridge and at the bottom of the bridge is a turning on the right hand side that takes you to a small industrial area next to the railway lines. An articulated lorry was pulling out of that side road and as we all know, because of the length of the trailer, the driver had to pull out into the middle of the road to be able to get the trailer clear of the pavement. As the lorry was turning some young lad on a silver Yamaha RD250, who obviously thought he was Kenny Roberts, went up and over the bridge way too fast, slammed on his brakes, skidded and hit the lorry right where the cab and trailer are attached. The bike and his body slid under the lorry, his head went backwards - on it's own. Nice! We left his head in the crash helmet, just in case the pathologist needed evidence to confirm a cause of death ;-)

I can't be the only one who is thinking Kenny Roberts? Who? Didn't he play R2 in Star Wars?

Anyway a wonderful topic. Can you remember your first time dealing with a dead body Bob, was you nervous, scared or did you just get on with it? I can imagine there are plenty of jokes to play on newbies in the undertaking world.

It was Kenny Baker who played R2-D2.

I was joking I see Kenny Baker nearly every week as he lives very near me. He looks so different in real life than he does in Star Wars.

Uh..yeah.. I knew that.. I was...verifying for everyone else..*runs*

Ever buried anyone semi-famous?

Kenny Roberts was a Motorcycling World Champion back in the days when I had hair on my head and I could look down and still see my toes.

The first dead body I handled was actually before I became an undertaker. I had applied for the job and was waiting for the interview. My brother was already an undertaker and had to go to Eastbourne to pick some old dear up from a nursing home. I went with him, got her out of the fridge and put her in the coffin - didn't bother me in the slightest. It was an easy job for me.

I didn't do anyone famous - my brother did Sir Michael Redgrave and he also had Patsy Kensit as a mourner in his limo. I cremated or buried my Grandad, 3 Aunts, 2 Uncles and a friend of mine.

I'm sitting here eating and LMFAO!!!

Where I used to work at a burglar alarm company, one of our customers was the mortuary and coroner's court, and our engineers were shit-scared of being called out to it at any time, day or night.

And thank God the Herald of Free Enterprise didn't go down when I was on it (it nearly did) ... sounds like the sea water would have ruined my complexion!

Thankyou Bob, for sharing with us these fine tales, some of which were eye-openers even for a despicable blackguard like myself. Your time is much appreciated.

So, what are you about these days, young Bob? I gather you have now left the undertaking game. Lottery win, was it? Come and see old Flash if ever you need some investment tips, you know it makes sense.

I'll never be able to look at spaghetti bolognese in the same way again :-)

I stopped undertaking back in 1989 - doing all the crap that I have mention for the princely sum of £3.20 an hour wasn't my idea of fair pay for a difficult job.

I moved from West London just before Christmas, after being made redundant, and now live in Suffolk, where I wile away my time asking strangers rediculous questions everyday as a market researcher. That and making people gag on old undertaking stories!

If the pay was a bit more realistic I would still be an undertaker. It is the best job I couldn't afford to keep ;-)

I never lost a moments sleep as an undertaker, nor did I have nightmares, bouts of depression or anything like that. It was a job, plain and simple. As I said on another post, the best way to deal with it is not to treat the bodies as human beings but lumps of meat. That might sound like an awful thing to say but if you are dealing with several dead bodies a day, whether on funerals or spending the day picking them up from hospitals or mortuaries (snatching), then you can't afford to let it get to you. You wouldn't last a month in the job, I learnt that very quickly.

Thanks Barry at least someone got the joke.