Bob The Shrek's Undertaker Tales

Bob, if I remember correctly, you live in the UK, but did you happen to hear anything about the Walker County Crematorium on my home turf?

If not, read this. This is some sick shit.

http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/02/19/crematory.bodies/

Georgia is, without a doubt, the most fucked-up state in the fifty.

Please describe the train suicide!
How long does it actually take for a body to be reduced to ashes? And does it smell like a barbeque (as I've heard)?
We're a perverse bunch, thanks for thinking up this one Flashy!

Dan - yeah, okay you can be a Shrek for a while - the position is temporary and payment to 'The Coven' is required.

The train suicide was at Weybridge, Surrey. Myself and my partner were called out one evening, by the Coroners Office, to pick up the body - if you could call it that. They had to switch the electricity off so that we could search the track and surrounding area - not easy when it is dark and relying on torchlight. We didn't need a body bag, a bucket would have done. There wasn't a single piece of body more than the size of a hand, most of it being splattered along the track for a quater mile. The only reason we knew it was a bloke was because my partner, Jim, picked his bollocks up. There is no way we got all the bits picked up - I imagine some was stuck to the front of the Intercity 125 that hit him - but the rodents and birds would soon clear up the bits we missed. Very messy.

When a body is cremated, the coffin, the skin, muscles etc are gone within 2-3 seconds. All you are left with is the skeleton, which is left in the cremator for about 30mins, to make the bones more brittle. They are then transferred to a crusher, looks like a washing machine with 3 big ball bearings in, and this breaks down the bones to produce the ashes.

Does it smell like a barbeque? I have no idea, I have a crap sense of smell, ever since I fell off a bus and used my face to break the fall!

How about hangings? Drug overdoses? How about car accidents and the fetid smell of faeces...or so I'm told?

I could just sit in front listening to you for hours..provided you'd talk.

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Bob The Shrek wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Dan - yeah, okay you can be a Shrek for a while - the position is temporary and payment to 'The Coven' is required.[/QUOTE]Man, To hell with THAT! 'The Coven' already takes enough of my money as it is! I may be clouded by my love of 'Shrek 2', But I'm no fool. ;)

Dragonzflame wrote
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]We're a perverse bunch, thanks for thinking up this one Flashy![/QUOTE]

Actually, I think it might have been young geeksandgeeks who suggested the idea in another topic, I have simply elaborated on it. However, I am willing to accept all the credit if need be.

I suppose Bob has played a small part, too.

Leave my small part out of it ;-)

I can't believe that I belong to a message board in which a topic about undertakers can take up more than one page. Or the fact that I read it. wow- we are such sick people....

So, just to be clear, when I'm spreading someone's ashes around as their last request (which I do on the weekends for community service), I'm also spreading coffin bits here and there?

That just strikes me as odd. But then, most of what Bob has gleefully shared with us is odd.

And spreading someones ashes, at the weekend, as a community service isn't odd????? :-p

No, the coffin isn't included. The cremator works at about 1,000 degrees centigrade and in seconds the coffin and human flesh are history. It is only the skeleton that is put in the crusher to produce the ashes.

I'll tell you what is worse than the smell of faeces - the breath. Air can sometimes get trapped in the lungs and when you pick a body up for the first time, my god, it's Satan's breath. Absolutely rancid.

Never had to pick up someone who has hanged themself - although I did have to go round someone's house after their husband had hanged himself. The police took the body down, took it to the mortuary but left the rope attached to the roof beams and hanging through the loft hatch - they had cut the rope and forgot to remove the rest of it. The wife was in a right state and phoned us up and asked someone to come and remove the rope - so I did. Why did she ring us and not the police, I hear you ask - she worked for us!!!!

I didn't attend too many road crashes because, normally, an ambulance is called and they will transport the body to a hospital morgue or public mortuary.

[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]Flashman wrote: [/QUOTENAME]Dragonzflame wrote
[QUOTE][QUOTENAME]We're a perverse bunch, thanks for thinking up this one Flashy![/QUOTE]

Actually, I think it might have been young geeksandgeeks who suggested the idea in another topic, I have simply elaborated on it. However, I am willing to accept all the credit if need be.

I suppose Bob has played a small part, too.[/QUOTE]

No no. You don't get all the credit. I'm just as sick as you, sir! ;)

Bob, has anyone ever ordered something so obscenely fancy and elaborate that it was disgusting?

That would make more sense. Death is such a tricky business, I suppose.

Geeks - nothing fancy or elaborate but I did have a guy whose Dad had died and he had flown over from America (where he was working) for the funeral. He had his Dad dressed in an old airline pilot's uniform and asked me take some pictures of him, in his coffin, so he could show his kids when he got home! I did it because he paid me in cash but I thought that was a bit sick. I had to have a word with the manager of the local film processing lab - to warn him of the content.

People who work in photo processing labs mus see some crazy shit.
Is it true that sometimes bodies that have been in the water for some time explode once they're out of the water? Do you know anyone that's happened to?