Some of the old timers (not you newbie scum) may remember that a year or so ago I attempted to contact Freddie in the spirit world by hooking up my modem to a ouija board and taking a certain amount of non-prescribed drugs.
The first time I tried to contact Freddie I was a little surprised by his unwillingness to discuss his work, preffering instead to go into great detail about the countless young women he had murdered and hidden in his basement. It soon became apparent that I had dialled the wrong number and was in fact conducting an interview with the notorious killer Fred West.
On the second attempt, I spent a good ten minutes having a conversation with Fred Dibnah about chimneys and traction engines. Despite being a boring bastard it occured to me that he isn't even dead, although after ten minutes of his endless chuntering, I began to wish I was.
On Saturday evening I hooked the machime back up, took some drugs and eventually managed to track down the real Fredie Mercury.
The following is a transcript of our conversation.
Fatty: Hello, is that Freddie?
Freddie: Speaking.
Fatty: Freddie Mercury?
Freddie: Yes, who's this?
Fatty: Oh hello Freddie, My name is fatty and I was wondering if you could spare a few moments to answer a few questions for the good folks at Queenzone.
Freddie: I'm sorry what did you say your name was?
Fatty: fatty from Queenzone.
Freddie: The same fatty from Queenzone who writes all those bullshit stories about me still being alive and working as a bus driver in Edinburgh?
Fatty: err.
Freddie: The same fatty from Queenzone who wrote the Gospel according to fatty?
Fatty. I err em...
Freddie: The same fatty from queenzone who thought it would be hilariously funny to recount the tale of how I broke the news of my having AIDS to the rest of the band?
Fatty: Well I err emmm err...
Freddie: Fuck off and die you fat repulsive wanker!
(click)
Unperturbed, I left it for a few minutes and tried again. The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place.
Fatty: Hello, is that Freddie?
Freddie: Speaking.
Fatty: Freddie Mercury?
Freddie: Yes, who's this?
Fatty: Err..... This is Janet from Queenzone.
Freddie: Oh hello my dear. It's funny I always imagined you as having an American accent.
Fatty: Err...emmm...I'm starring in a play at the moment. It's a musical version of Braveheart on ice so I have to stay in character. That's why I have a Scottish accent.
Freddie: Okay, I thought you were a woman too.
Fatty: I have a cold.
Freddie: Fair enough. What can I do for you my dear?
Fatty: Well I was wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions that have been cropping up on the Queenzone message board lately.
Freddie: Certainly my dear. What would you like to know? In fact don't tell me. You want to know what Bohemian Rhapsody was all about. don't you?Well what happened was this. Way back in 1972 I was reading about a ma....
Fatty: Sorry Freddie, If I could just stop you there for a second but no bugger cares what Bohemian Rhapsody was about.
Freddie: Oh... I suppose you want to know the truth about the infamous launch party of Jazz in New Orleans.
Fatty: Not particularly, no.
Freddie: So what do you want to know?
Fatty: Well the big question on everyone's mind at the moment is did you ever shave your scrotum.
Freddie: Come again?
Fatty: Did you ever shave your bollocks?
Freddie: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Fatty: Ok can I ask you another question?
Freddie: So long as it's nothing to do with whether or not I shaved my clacker-bag.
Fatty: It's not.
Freddie: Ask away.
Fatty: When you died were you clean shaven or did you have a beard?
Freddie: Can I ask you a question Janet?
Fatty: Who.... oh you mean me. Yes ask away.
Freddie: I want you to imagine youreself lying in bed in unbearable agony, the ulcers in your mouth are so painful you c
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LM bloody AO!!! Isn't this brilliant...???!!!
Very Funny, Fatty!!! You should be writing sitcoms for a living! Must be the non-prescribed drugs!!
A nice way to kick the arses of some Queenzoners with to much time.... But I think that the people you're talking about, don't understand the message.
Nice one!
*rapturous applause*
I'd like to know what type of meat he rathered on sandwiches; pressed or non-pressed. And if he thinks Ben Stiller is funny or not.
Love it fatty!!!
Bravo...bravooooooooooo!!!
Brill as usual Fatty, but what I'd want to know is whether Freddie prefers flac to mp3 - its a constant argument on the "Sharing..." section.
I'd like to know what type of meat he rathered on sandwiches; pressed or non-pressed.
How is this any debate? Pressed, all the way.
ey... fatty is cool! :D
Yeah, I'm a pressed meat fan..no matter what it is it allllllllllllways tastes better pressed. Especially ice.
Great as always Fatty! It's good to see you posting again!
Good one, fatty, lol