Hi Lester!

Lisser wrote:

Dear Lester,

I've fallen and I can't get up. What do I do now?

Will you buy me a hawt dawg?

Lisser,

There are many products out there to assist you in situations where you've fallen and find yourself unable to get up. First, for the males, I recommend Viagra; for the ladies, watch any midday local programming station which cater to the elder generation and search for commercials advertising Safe Alert (I believe). Usually, these commercials will start with an old woman at home who falls and finds herself to be a proverbial turtle on the back. She will despair, and then the commercial will cut to another scenario where she has a little remote or something with her at all times. When she falls again, she presses the remote and the police will come for her, undoubtedly throwing her into the slammer for disturbing their coffee break. Safe Alert has guaranteed that they will pay for your first bail, no questions asked.

(Note: I am not affiliated any way with Safe Alert.)

As to your needs for a hawt dawg, I'm standing right here.

Yours,

Lester

Lester, I swear...you are always guaranteed to make me spit my Pepsi out all over my keyboard. I look like such an idiot at work laughing at my monitor!!!

:)

Good to know I've still got 'it', whatever 'it' is! 8-)

Herpes. It is herpes.

omg i cant believe this topic sprung back up from the Ash's . Welcome back once more Lester .. hows the weather in pennsylvania by the way?

iGSM wrote:

Herpes. It is herpes.

Dear iGSM,

Bone.

- Lester

OgreBattleField1980 wrote:

omg i cant believe this topic sprung back up from the Ash's . Welcome back once more Lester .. hows the weather in pennsylvania by the way?

Dearest Ronald,

I too am surprised this came out of nowhere. And to think, it all started because of... well, I can't remember why.

The weather in PA is... hold on, let me check. Dreary and bubbling just under 50 degrees. Fall is upon us, my friends!

- Lester

<font color =#CC00FF>***Marial-B*** wrote:

Dear Lester:

How should I stop eating a lot???

Cheers

Marial-B

Dear Marial-B,

There are many ways to solve this problem. I emailed my friend, Bob "The Bobmonster" Carter, your request. Here is what he responded:

"ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
from Lester Burnham

Shithead,

Someone asked me how she could stop eating a lot and, knowing what I know about you, Mr. Cheeseburger, I thought you could help us out.

Also, who's providing the keg on Saturday night? Tarheel McGhee or Rainer?"

Bob wrote:

"Your email has been processed and will be answered in the manner in which it was received. Until then, please visit our website and enjoy all of our other fun and exciting products we have to offer! Thanks for your interest, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."

Clearly, Bob has gone batshit here and has no clue what he's talking about. The only reason I can come up with is because he stopped eating so much, which brings us full-circle and puts us into a bit of a Catch-22. I'll take initiative and say that you can send all of your unused foodstuffs to your local charity; say, The Lester Burnham Fund For The Hell Of It, or the iGSM Australian Save-The-Wallaby Foundation. For a full list of charities, please consult someone else.

Yours,

Lester

Dear Lester,
I'm dreaming Ancient Greek Tragedies. Every night an annoying bird comes and eats my liver... How can I stop that?

Oh, about the tape: Mr. Belly Rubber, don't worry, all the earnings of the video will be bewteen us three, and about yourself, you weren't drunk and you didn't show too much skin like on other videos... We do need a sequel though...

Your truly,
Sonia

Dear Lester,

I've never written you a letter before.

Yours truly,

Rachael

<font color=#CC0066>Sonia Doris</font> wrote:

Dear Lester,
I'm dreaming Ancient Greek Tragedies. Every night an annoying bird comes and eats my liver... How can I stop that?

Oh, about the tape: Mr. Belly Rubber, don't worry, all the earnings of the video will be bewteen us three, and about yourself, you weren't drunk and you didn't show too much skin like on other videos... We do need a sequel though...

Your truly,
Sonia

Sonia,

I've known many annoying birds in my lifetime, but many of them pick at my wallet. It is truly very frustrating.

Oh, you mean actual birds? Like, the animal? Hm. Well, I suppose you could always ask it very kindly not to pick at your liver, because you do need that, or you could always leave out a dummy liver on the side of your bed and hope that it picks at that.

While you're at it, send me a book on Greek mythology so I know what you're talking about from now on.

Yours,

Lester

<font color=#CC0066>SomebodyToLoveMe wrote:

Dear Lester,

I've never written you a letter before.

Yours truly,

Rachael

Dear Rachael,

After clicking on your profile, I have decided that you should have written me a letter sooner.

sup 8-)

- Lester

Dear Lester,

I said the same thing you said about her profile as well. Very nice indeed . Infact I cant go a day without talkin to her , very kind and sweet she is.


Ron

Lester,

I think I just heard on the news that breast cancer is now contagious AND AIRBORNE! If this is true, what can be done? I am assuming that only you have the answers.

Sincerely,

Jordan

OgreBattleField1980 wrote:

Dear Lester,

I said the same thing you said about her profile as well. Very nice indeed . Infact I cant go a day without talkin to her , very kind and sweet she is.


Ron

Dear Ron,

She seems very nice indeed. I will have to add her to my MSN list. And then go on MSN.

Fun times!

- Lester

mrjordy wrote:

Lester,

I think I just heard on the news that breast cancer is now contagious AND AIRBORNE! If this is true, what can be done? I am assuming that only you have the answers.

Sincerely,

Jordan

Jordan,

You bring up an interesting topic, and I appreciate that you assume I am the only one with the answer. To satisfy your need, I sat down with a breast and talked to her, hoping to get a more insider's look into the whole thing. Here is the transcript of that interview:

Lester: "So, let me start by thanking you for the interview."

Breast: "Not a problem."

L: "I suppose you know why we're here today."

B: "I do, yes."

L: "Well, then. Let's jump right in. Tell me what happened."

B: "OK. I was walking down the street, protected by a few layers of cloth - I think one was cotton, and the other was cashmere."

L: "Ooh, I love cashmere."

B: "Me too. Anyway, I saw something through the layers of clothing, and all of a sudden I was hit with this... thing. I don't know what it was, but it didn't initially hurt or anything. Then... then..." (voice breaks)

L: "It's okay, if you would like to..."

B: "No, I'm okay. Well, the thing was cancer, and it... it... had its way with me."

L: "I'm sorry?"

B: "The cancer raped me."

L: "Oh."

B: "Yeah..." (sobs)

L: "Here." (hands a tissue)

B: "Thank you. Well, thankfully, I got myself checked out, and was able to prevent anything serious from happening, but others aren't so lucky."

L: "How can other breasts be safe from cancer?"

B: "They can't be. Sorry to be so grim, but it just can't happen."

L: "Well, thank you, Breast. Have a good day."

B: "You too."

I then proceeded to shake the breast's hand, which she mistook as me copping a feel. And, with any luck, they'll let me out in twenty months, eighteen with good behavior.

- Lester