That seems to have fucked up the order of posts, but oh well.
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Posts in chronological order
How do you do Mr. Lester,
Two questions:
1. I am too sexy for my own taste, wot can I do to decrease my "sexyness"?
2. What should I wear tonite? 100% cotton or silk undies?
Cheers.
Mr. Alex Solan.
Mr. Alex,
Normally, I would say only one question at a time, but I'm not normal, now am I?
1. I have indeed noticed your sexiness, so speaking as a strictly heterosexual (just wanted to scotch those rumors) man (despite what my father says about me), it's best not to decrease your sexiness, but rather use it to your advantage. There's a whole group of us sexy folk who have free cab rides, get free meals, have the doors opened for all of us at all times, and get front-row seats to concerts. These are just a few of the benefits of the Sexy Club - I'm surprised you haven't gotten an application. Email me about it, and I'll have one sent your way.
b. I'd go commando, personally. I've been freeballing it since 1987, and I've had no complaints thus far.
All the best,
Mr. Lester
b. I'd go commando, personally. I've been freeballing it since 1987, and I've had no complaints thus far.
lol! Freeballing...
Lester,
First I have a proud announcement:
I have recently discovered certain joys in something which you have found much joy for years. It is a band called The Who. I listened to Quadrophenia for the second time, and the last two tracks especially were sheer musical bliss!
Now, here is my problem:
Music is no longer an interest, nor is it a hobby, nor is it an obsession. It has become a lifestyle. At the moment I'm 23 and it's lucrative enough, but I often worry about the future. In your infinite wisdom, do you think this could become a career which I could support a family with? Would having to become Lebanese fit into the picture somehow?
Dear Lester,
Thank you again for your kind advices. I have a new problem now. I want to go sleigh riding from high hills, but my problem is there is no snow. Should I go on anyways, in mud and hope it will snow while I go downhill or just go figure skating on the Black Sea?
I have to add that I'm not afraid of sharks or polar bears.
Looking forward for a lifesaving reply.
Yours trully,
Sonia
Thank you again for your kind advices. I have a new problem now. I want to go sleigh riding from high hills, but my problem is there is no snow. Should I go on anyways, in mud and hope it will snow while I go downhill or just go figure skating on the Black Sea?
I have to add that I'm not afraid of sharks or polar bears.
Looking forward for a lifesaving reply.
Yours trully,
Sonia
lol! Freeballing...
Lester,
First I have a proud announcement:
I have recently discovered certain joys in something which you have found much joy for years. It is a band called The Who. I listened to Quadrophenia for the second time, and the last two tracks especially were sheer musical bliss!
Now, here is my problem:
Music is no longer an interest, nor is it a hobby, nor is it an obsession. It has become a lifestyle. At the moment I'm 23 and it's lucrative enough, but I often worry about the future. In your infinite wisdom, do you think this could become a career which I could support a family with? Would having to become Lebanese fit into the picture somehow?
Bob,
Welcome to the insanity of being a Who fan. I have, on multiple occasions, something that I like to call a Who-gasm (or Whorgasm, though both terms are trademarked to me, so don't think of stealing them, you bounder), which is essentially an all-day listening party of everything they have released. It is a remarkable experience, and leaves me stunned and shattered, but I highly recommend it. I urge everyone to try it some day.
Now, I could gush about the talents of Messrs. Daltrey, Townshend, Entwistle, and Moon all day, but I won't, because I'm a busy man. Anyway, you may not know it, but the Lebanese offer a kind of musician's compensation package, which includes a lifetime acceptance to their society and a devoted following of listeners. For example, check out Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, or the whole Lillith Fair gang: the followers of these musicians are extremely devoted and fanatical, and I must say, without even hearing a second of your music, they will accept you as one of their own. You have no need to worry about the future, as long as you're Lebanese.
Now, if I may be serious for a moment: I sent you an email a few weeks ago; did you ever get it? Also, if you're interested in some rare Who stuff, let me know - their live shows are far more explosive (sometimes literally) than their albums.
Yours,
Lester
Dear Lester,
Thank you again for your kind advices. I have a new problem now. I want to go sleigh riding from high hills, but my problem is there is no snow. Should I go on anyways, in mud and hope it will snow while I go downhill or just go figure skating on the Black Sea?
I have to add that I'm not afraid of sharks or polar bears.
Looking forward for a lifesaving reply.
Yours trully,
Sonia
Sonia,
I say go for it, but first, take my patented potion - "Lester's Illusionary Snow Sleigh Elixer Revisited" (the fact that it spells "LISSER" is completely incidental, but it IS trademarked, so Miss Lisser, I'm going to need you to pay me royalties for further use of your name on this board or anywhere else) - and make sure to use my own sleigh, "Lester's Sleigh Drum" (again, the spelling of "LSD" is completely unintentional, though hilariously incidental). Once inside my sleigh, and with the elixir in your system, you can go sledding through the desert of Saudi Arabia and the experience will be completely winter-like. Just watch out for the camels, or Sand Snow Men, I like to call them.
(Lester Burnham takes no responsibility for any camel-related accidents, nor any overdoses of any kind and their outcomes. If anything should happen while on a LISSER, the manufacturer is waived of any responsibility, and any kind of incident is in the rider's hands. Not that anything would happen, but I'm just saying, is all.)
Godspeed.
- Lester
Dear Lester,
Thank you very much for sharing these things to me. :D
How can I get my hands on a LISSER and LSD? Are they expensive? Are there any special prices? Could I get a discount?
If there is no problem, could you send me a brochure to chose the right model?
I am very interested in this proposition. Finally I will find a way to fulfill my dream! Have you already thought about commercials for these things?
Thanks for making my day!
Sonia
Thank you very much for sharing these things to me. :D
How can I get my hands on a LISSER and LSD? Are they expensive? Are there any special prices? Could I get a discount?
If there is no problem, could you send me a brochure to chose the right model?
I am very interested in this proposition. Finally I will find a way to fulfill my dream! Have you already thought about commercials for these things?
Thanks for making my day!
Sonia
Dear LEester!
I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"????????
What can I do? How can I save myself?
Tom
I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"????????
What can I do? How can I save myself?
Tom
Dear Lester,
Why do you suck? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n? What does Heather Leather mean? How many states in America start with a 3? Who is making those noises in the attic? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?
I want all those written in Australian.
Why do you suck? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n? What does Heather Leather mean? How many states in America start with a 3? Who is making those noises in the attic? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?
I want all those written in Australian.
Dear LEester!
I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"????????
What can I do? How can I save myself?
Tom
Tom,
I am sorry I didn't receive your letter until just now. I was actually on tour with Genesis, circa 1975, who were promoting their Lamb Lies Down On Broadway album. I was Phil Collins, but now I'm back as Lester and ready to answer your letters.
Wait, you like 'Body Language' now? Sorry, I don't associate myself with those who like the song. The only way you can save yourself - and consider this a freebie, as I really should have stopped talking to you by now - is to cut out the center in your brain known as the BL lobe, which will remove any previous knowledge that a song such as 'Body Language' exists. Fortunately, you will also forget that 'Party', 'Staying Power', 'Delilah', and 'The March Of The Black Queen' exist. Well, fortunately for the first three, unfortunately for the last, but you've gotta give and take a little.
- Lester
Dear Lester,
Why do you suck? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude? Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n? What does Heather Leather mean? How many states in America start with a 3? Who is making those noises in the attic? Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?
I want all those written in Australian.
iGSM,
Your answers, in Australian:
"Why do you suck?" - Cor, mate, it's because of this 'ere ol' matey snipe woo chargrove snee.
"Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?" - pass the beer, eh, I've gorta destroi me livah.
"Can you sign your name on my skeleto(r)n?" - It's all in the brain which canort farthom me east wellington fram bor.
"What does Heather Leather mean?" - innit she the 'ore from across the plynth?
"How many states in America start with a 3?" - 'alifornia, 'assachussetts, and 'arolina?
"Who is making those noises in the attic?" - 'ere, it's ol' Uncle Ernie, eh?
"Why does bynumbers have a bitter attitude?" - cos she ain't the 'ore from across the plynth.
Luv,
LB
Dear Lester,
Why didn't u answer my letter? :P
Sonia
Why didn't u answer my letter? :P
Sonia
Dear LEester!
I don't know what's happening and what to do with it! I started to like a certain song called "Body Language" and I think it's got something to do with me becoming Lebanesse. I can take anything- carpet thing, meeting rasizm- but nobody told me THIS can happen! I loose a will to live... What's next- "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure"????????
What can I do? How can I save myself?
Tom
Tom,
I am sorry I didn't receive your letter until just now. I was actually on tour with Genesis, circa 1975, who were promoting their Lamb Lies Down On Broadway album. I was Phil Collins, but now I'm back as Lester and ready to answer your letters.
Wait, you like 'Body Language' now? Sorry, I don't associate myself with those who like the song. The only way you can save yourself - and consider this a freebie, as I really should have stopped talking to you by now - is to cut out the center in your brain known as the BL lobe, which will remove any previous knowledge that a song such as 'Body Language' exists. Fortunately, you will also forget that 'Party', 'Staying Power', 'Delilah', and 'The March Of The Black Queen' exist. Well, fortunately for the first three, unfortunately for the last, but you've gotta give and take a little.
- Lester
Dearararaar Leshter.
I foollloooweeed your advize- and cut ze brain- but cut abittoo muuuuuch.............
Bajjjj-
Tom...
Dear Lester,
Thank you very much for sharing these things to me. :D
How can I get my hands on a LISSER and LSD? Are they expensive? Are there any special prices? Could I get a discount?
If there is no problem, could you send me a brochure to chose the right model?
I am very interested in this proposition. Finally I will find a way to fulfill my dream! Have you already thought about commercials for these things?
Thanks for making my day!
Sonia
Sonia,
I am so sorry I didn't notice your letter before. I've been answering these so sporadically, but... enough about me.
A brochure has been sent your way, but you will have to pay $65 (American) shipping and offer the delivery person a plate of your cookies. It's worth it, though, for the LISSER and/or LSD.
I have considered doing commercials for these, but the only celebrity spokesperson I could nab was Richard Simmons, who has a horrible lisp, and every time he pronounced the product it would generate a loud hiss, rendering the audience deaf for a random period of time. The commercials will happen eventually; I remain hopeful.
Yours,
LB
Dear Lester
I found myself in a big doubt. I was buying ligerie for myself to make a surprise for my man, when I saw some nice costumes as a schoolgirl outfit and a police woman outfit. I dunno what to choose??? What would suit me, an innocent act or a tought act??? And another doubt, do guys like pink ligerie in girls??? I know they like Black and red, but I wanted to do something different than the slut show xD.
Kisses
Marial-B
Marial-B,
Before I answer this question, I'm going to need to see pictures, and lots of them.
Thank you.
- LB